In Grace

I'm glad to be back home. Yet I'm also glad that I'd gone though I've taken quite a long time to decide initially. As you could see from my previous posts, I had gone hoping that I could find the answers that I was searching for. And no, I still do not know what to do regarding that question but rather, some other answers were revealed during the past 3 to 4 days. Answers that were perhaps more important than what I'm currently facing now.

In grace I stand, not by works. Indeed, it is His love and grace that justifies everything. So many lessons that I do not know how to write all of them down here. Most importantly, I've learnt that God loves me and that I do not have to do anything to earn His love. A simple lesson yet at times I've forgotten this. Looking back at the things that I've done before, I've to admit that there are times, more often than I'd like, when I did things to gain God's favour. So that I could be at least more deserving of His love. That made me feel really stressed up and even frustrated when things did not go my way. Yet that is not what God wants, cos nothing that I do could make Him love me more or less. Thank God for that!!

Merry Christmas!!

It seemed quite a while since the last time I've blogged. Actually, there're a lot of things going through my mind right now and I wished I could write them all down here. But I guess I'm feeling a little tired now.

Perhaps I'm just not a very decisive person. Or is it because I'm not sure of what I want? Why are some decisions so difficult to make?

Going off for a camp tomorrow. Maybe it's good that it comes at this time as well. Perhaps I'll find the answers there. Perhaps not. Whatever it is, I know that everything happens for a reason. Merry Christmas peope!!

We are the reason

Chirstmas is coming again...and i'm reminded of this song...
by David Meece

We Are The Reason

As little children we would dream of Christmas morn
And all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

And we were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by we learned more about gifts
And giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
Because of love, because of love

And we are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him
For Him

And we are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

He is my reason to live

Last Sunday

Just attended a friend's wedding last Sunday evening. That was actually the second wedding that I've attended in a span of 3 weeks. Maybe I am getting old after all, though the bride and bridegroom were not exactly from my age group. Guess it is a reality that I cannot run away from, considering that I'll be graduating soon and so would most of my peers. Most of them would probably be working and ready to settle down in a few years' time as well. A few years down the road, perhaps weddings will be the only time that we are able to catch up with each other.

Don't get me wrong. I've nothing against weddings. In fact, I loved the way two people are able to come together before their friends and family, and most importantly, God, to profess their love for each other. I'm really happy for my friend who got married 4 days ago. She was someone who had made an impact in my life in my first year in NUS, not only through her teachings but through her actions as well. I'm glad that she was finally able to find someone who she could spend the rest of her life with.

You know, weddings always leave you with this kind of feeling and at times it makes me wonder:

when will you ever appear?

do you even exist?

maybe i should just forget about it....

Cats and dogs

Kitty cats and puppy dogs. If you ask me, this is what I've brought back from the camp. Of course, there are much more that I'd learnt as well, with regards to the children, the programs and the other leaders.

A kitty cat thinks: You feed me; you pet me; you shelter me; you love me. I must be God.

A puppy dog thinks: You feed me; you pet me; you shelter me; you love me. You must be God.

Which attitude should I be taking towards God? It goes without saying that it should be that of the puppy dog. Yet there are times I act like a kitty cat, more often than I would like. How different life would be if I could just put God at the center of my life, yet even by thinking that way I'm actually putting myself first. When will I ever learn to put God as first priority in everything that I do? Why do I always have to be tempted by my desires when I know very well at in the end, it's Jesus who truly matters? Often, I've cared too much about others' perceptions of me to the point that I forgot that it is what He thinks of me that is more important. Too many times I've taken God's love for granted and it is as if Jesus had died in vain. When one of the speakers shared about how she had felt when her baby died and how she had held back even when she prayed to God, I remembered how I had often done that with my problems as well. I can say that I trust God to take control yet in my heart I still refused to let go; refusing to believe that God can make things right.

The children were really wonderful, though at times they can be rather mischievous. Well most of the time actually. And yes, they were rather pampered as well. The same goes for me too. I should be counting my blessings instead of complaining. Some things are beyond my control. So what if our team did not win any prizes in the end? What truly matter are the lessons learnt and the experiences gained. I wished the children could understand this. Yes, it would be nice to win but whatever it is there can only be one winner. Life isn't a 100m dash; it's more of a marathon and I guess we have to take it slow at times. Cos this race isn't about coming in first and Jesus had said that the first will be last and the last will be first. Sometimes, in our rush to win, we forgot about the things that are much more important, like our relationships with each other. Another thing that I've learnt is that actions speak louder than words, especially for children. Seemed that they learn more from what we do than from what we say.

Photos...

A few days ago I was looking at my old photos from past years. As usual, some things had changed while some still remained the same. Looking at them really did bring back some memories and funny how things always seemed to be better during recall than it was when it occured. Honestly, I can't remember everything that had happened in the past but perhaps that's what these photos are for. So that I won't forget. It is said that a picture paints a thousand words yet a picture by itself says nothing until you have a part in it. It is the stories and experiences that are truly valuable.

My father simply loves to take photos, especially when we went overseas. I used to find it annoying and it is not until these past few years that I truly appreciate all these photos that were taken then. Now, my only regret is that I had not taken more. Looking back, it seemed that I had so few, particularly with my friends. I was just telling Ting a few days back that we had taken so few photos with our project mates and before long, we'll be leaving NUS. We might not realise it now, but perhaps 10 years later, it is these photos that will remind where memories fail us. I wished I had photos of my first year in BizAd; of my first presentation; of all my project groupmates. Funny how we could meet week after week and yet it had not occur to us to take any photos for remembrance. Did it just slipped our mind or are certain things just not worth remembering? Just like it was with the SFHC program com. We'd met every week for 2 months and yet there wasn't a single group photo together. Maybe we had been too busy with all the planning then. Maybe that's the irony of it all. All the effort and yet there seemed to be nothing to remember it by, except the memories. Ok, to be fair, guess it was partly my fault as well. Why did I forget to bring my camera on the day itself? Didn't even managed to take any with the secondary students who helped us on that day. I think the participants took more photos than us. But then again, we were all so busy on that day; where was the time for inconsequential things like taking pictures. Well, we did have one group photo in the end except that I do not know whose camera that was and I'm not even sure what happened to that eventually. Perhaps it was already deleted. Haha..oh well. Wonder why we even bother taking it in the first place. Maybe it doesn't really matter after all. A few years from now, this will only be a memory etched in our minds.

I sms her yesterday to inform her that I could not agree to what she's asking. And she did not reply me. Maybe I shouldn't be too surprised after all. I understand that she might be in a difficult position and it is not an easy task to find the people but...

I don't know. I mean, are we friends only when I agree to everything that you asked of me? Shouldn't true friends be the ones who can take 'no' for an answer? Then again, we weren't really friends are we? It seemed that it was just circumstances that brought us together. Friends are supposed to care for each other. Yet at times, it seemed that when I share, no one really seemed to care and I'm just sharing for the sake of sharing. So please do not blame me for putting up a defence everytime I'm around them. I've been hurt so many times I don't even know if I can really trust them anymore. We've known each other for over 10 years yet I don't think I can say I know them more than perhaps 5 years ago. It's kind of sad when I look back and realise that all my time invested there had perhaps come to nothing in the end. What makes it even more sad is the fact that we'll be spending eternity together. I know I'm rather idealistic at times but how wonderful it would be if we could truly share and care for each other, instead of such superficial relationships. Looks like time isn't an accurate indicator of the depth of our relationship after all.

Wannabe

Remembered that I wrote some time ago about being a 'wannabe' and that it is not only about trying to be someone else; it is also being someone u're not. Do we all try to do this at some time or another? Trying to be someone we're not? I know I did.

What happened yesterday made me realised some things. That there are different types of people in this world after all. Have I been too naive in the past? Right from the start, it already seemed that they would win. Yet I still hoped that perhaps the underdogs would come out victorious in the end. Didn't that always happen in movies? But life isn't some Hollywood movie. And reality does hurt. Wonder why the company would have to do that kind of thing. To give people hope when they already knew who they would choose eventually.

Let's just call the winning group Grp A. The people in this group were really outspoken and i guessed they could present very well too. Though I've not heard them presenting before, it was the image they protrayed that basically says it all. And Grp B, the underdogs. They were really friendly, approachable and nice. So what if they can't present as well as Grp B? But I supposed that's what marketing is all about. Not just substance but also presentation.

Just face it, not everyone is able to be as smart or to be able to present as well. But is that cause for despondence? Are these the things that make up our identities? What is it that really matters? When we finally reached the top after striving so hard, would we come to realise that there isn't anything there after all?

Slowly, I'm beginning to realise that I should not try to be someone I'm not but just accept myself for who I am inside. Maybe it's only then would I be able to be the person that God had created me to be. I'm know that we are all made for a reason and we are all special to Him. Instead of trying to do things my way all the time, why am I not letting Him take control?

Sometimes I'd rather she not bother about me at all. 'Cos it seemed like everytime she did, it's because she needed something. Well, most of the time anyway. Is this all there is to our relationship? One that is based on exchange of favours and nothing more? At the end of it all, I wonder if we can be considered as friends, or merely acquaintances. Come to think of it, it's kind of sad isn't it? Where's the community? Where's the fellowship? Where's the love? Or am I isolating myself here? But I did try, so many times before. And it seemed to be the same every time. I guessed I've gotten pass the disillusionment part. The greater the hopes, the greater the disappointment right? I don't really expect anything much from them so please don't expect much from me either.

It's really strange that you can know a person for a short period of time and feel like you've known each other for so long, but you can know someone for half your life and still act like strangers in front of each other.

Got this story from a friend's email

This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa...One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator). We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts

One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fireand fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. "All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free fromdrafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten-year old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dollyfor the little girl so she'll know You really love her?" As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say,"Amen". I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything, the Bible says so. But thereare limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway,if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the verandah, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.

Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it reallybe? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?" That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call, I will answer" (Isaiah 65:24)

Actually, I wasn't feeling too good after getting back the results for the group project. Perhaps felt that we should have scored higher given the efforts that we've put in. But I guess maybe we weren't just ain't good enough. Then I realised what I've done. Once again, I had equated success with achievements. Yet is that really the case? Is one considered to be successful only when he have accomplished a lot in life? By who's standard are we measuring success? Why do I keep forgetting there are is more to life than simply grades? That my life here on earth is but a sojourn. No, this is not my home so what is the point in storing up worldly possessions? Isn't it better to store up treasures in heaven? Of course I know that yet at times I am still tempted by what this world has to offer. So tempted to pursue these desires; only to realise later the futility of it all. Some people do seemed to have it all but no matter how inadequate I may be, Jesus still loves me and he had died for all of us.

All the best....

That has got to be the worst project group that I've ever been in. Ok, maybe I've been rather fortunate after all as at least they had done something. Not much, but at least something. Well, I did have such group members before but at least at that time, it was only one or two who were like that and the rest were alright. Somehow, having not enough time is hardly an excuse. Isn't it about time management? The parts were allocated a long time ago. It's like they didn't care about the project. Thankfully, it's almost complete. And no, I won't get angry. What's the point anyway? It'll only be a waste of energy. Do you have any idea how much energy is used in showing our anger? Well, all I can say is that I really wished them all the best in what they do in future, if they continue to behave the same way. Appearances can only be kept up for so long. After that, your true personality will show. Maybe that's what most people are like. I just have to get used to it.

Then again, I guessed I've been rather blessed this semester as most of my other project groups have been great. Interviewing the aeromodellers, discussing and talking crap with the CB group. Going to MacRitchie Reservoir with the GE2218 group. Time spent rather to figure out what the tutor wanted for the OE group. Yes, these three groups were wonderful. I really should not let just one group get me down. Once again, getting the right group members is important. And I supposed it would hardly be a surprise that I won't work with the people from that group again.

Down memory lane

Don't know why it is that I kept meeting my ex-classmates nowadays. Come to think of it, it's kind of amazing to see how all our lives are interwined together; to see how some people have changed, and some don't. Maybe it is a matter of perception after all. Guess Singapore is rather small and it's no surprise that we'll meet each other in some way or another.

To go back where time stands still and only to realise that it was only a dream. 'Cos time waits for no man and so much have changed. Our feelings, attitudes, thinking, beliefs etc. We have all grown up, haven't we? From little boys and girls to men and women today. I wonder: what we are now, is it far from what we have imagined us to be when we were in primary school? I can still remember my primary school days, though not down to every detail. Honestly, I can't really recall what I wanted to be in the future then. But when I think back now, I supposed I did enjoyed my primary school days, especially my primary five and six class. Can't say the same for my secondary school days though. It's funny what time can do to your memory, 'cos the things that I remember now are in bits and pieces. Listening to the teacher teaching, eating in the canteen, going to the bookshop, singing in the music room, playing in the basketball court, P.E. lessons with Mrs Ow (haha..I saw her when I went back to Gongshang for the mooncake festival...she still looks the same but I don't think she could remember me...maybe some things really don't change after all).

I'm really glad for all those experiences because they, both the good and bad ones, made me what I am today. When you think back, things always seemed to be better in the past than it is today. Yes, I should learn to cherish what I have now instead of whining and complaining. I hoped that ten years from now, I can look back at my uni days with fond memories as well.

An update

Yes, I know I should be studying for my OE test tomorrow, but I'm just taking a break here k...

Yupz, it's already the 11th week; just a few more weeks to exams and the end of semester one. Actually this semester started off well enough, but these past few weeks have really been rather exhausting with so many deadlines coming up one after the other. I just can't wait for it to be finally over and for the holidays to come. The children's camp's in december!! This is the first time I'm helping out in a children's camp, wonder how it'll turn out...


She asked me what God has taught me this past 2 months and I didn't answer her. Well, I know I sounded a little cold then but it was just a bad day to begin with and I wasn't feeling so good. Of course God had taught me a lot of things these past 2 months, one of which is to come to terms with my inadequacies and realise that some things are just beyond my control. It's also funny how He has been speaking to me through lectures and tutorials besides the normal DG sessions.

My project mates had been great too, well most of them anyway. I just hoped we'll able to come up with something for the leadership project. Heez...25 pages, single-spaced and till now we don't even have a page out. Maybe I should just relax a little. Being feeling rather tensed up these past 2 weeks and it's getting tiring. On hindsight, it seemed that there were so many things that could have been done better yet it's too late to regret anything now. Oh well...cross my fingers and hoped for the best.

Okie my dear bro...I've finally updated my blog after 1 month...oh ya, happy belated birthday to u!!

Tree top walk

I went for the tree-top walk at MacRitchie Reservoir yesterday with my groupmates. It was actually for a project on a geography module that we're doing. It was also the first time that I've been to MacRitchie Reservoir. I've been living in Singapore for all my life and yet there are so many places that I've not been to. Also felt the same way when I went to Little India and Kampong Glam the other time.

Anyway, we walked for about 3 hours and all of us were just so tired after that. Towards the end, it started drizzling but thankfully we were quite sheltered under the canopy of the trees. There were so many stairs going up and down that it made me wished we could just drill a hole through the mountain so that we could walk straight ahead. Ok, I'm lazy, I must admit. But really, it has been a rather long time since I had walked so much. Didn't really see much animals and insects though, other than the monkeys near the entrance.

At the end of it all, we were just so glad that to complete the walk. "Going back to civilization," like what Ting had said. A bit exaggerated though...haha...But what matters is that we made it through. All five of us. And did I mention that this is an all-girls group? We are 'garang girls', as Xiaofen puts it so nicely.

Chances

Why do I keep meeting the people I don't really want to see but can't see the one person I really want to meet?

Perhaps there was a chance then. It's just too late now.

CB is getting depressing. No, not the class but rather, its contents. Are people really that materialistic? Do people really look so much on the surface? Is this all there is to marketing? Perhaps the truth does hurt after all. The harsh reality of this world; where external appearances are far more important than who you are inside. Actually, it's ok to want to look good as long as you know what it is that is more important. But it's hard to get this balance isn't it? In a world where everything is so fleeting, it's good to know that somethings will never change. That there'll always be Someone who will love me for who I am inside.

He has said, "I'll never leave you. I'll never abandon you."

Even the children knows this. At times I think: if I do not have Jesus, I have nothing. When things do not go well, it is this faith that gets me through. But what am I doing for Him?

Something the tutor said got me thinking: When we look at people, do we see them as male or female, pretty or ugly, fat or thin; or do we see them as human beings?

Some thoughts

This evening, I went with my LG to Clark Quay to celebrate one of the member's birthday. Actually, we had agreed beforehand to treat him to the reverse bungee jumping, much to his surprise/shock. Hehe, hoped he had enjoyed himself...

Anyway, on my bus ride home, I started thinking again. Heez...beginning to realise that I'm thinking quite a lot nowadays. I wished you were the one who was sitting beside me on the bus. I wished I was able to share with you all my happiness, fears and worries. And that you'll be able to do the same too. I wished I could tell you all these but whenever I see you, I'm at a loss for words. Yet I know all these wishes are futile. Why? Cos you don't even care. You don't even have my number. You don't even bother to reply to my emails. Would you be so nice to me if I wasn't helping you then? I know all these will come to pass one day. But now, I just wished I never knew you.

What are you seeking for?

What are you seeking for in life?
Maybe it isn't good to think so much at times

I realised that I've not written on the time Ting and I went for the guilly outing at pasir ris yet. Well, the kids there were really endearing and somehow they made me realised how much people tend to look on the surface most of the time. Maybe I'm not in any position to comment much since I did not really interact much with them, besides that outing. But that incident got me thinking: why do people usually find them so pitiful? Is it because they're slower, less smart and capable than most people around us? Actually, if you ask me, at times I find that more pitiful ones are the smart and capable people who spend their whole lives chasing after material things that do not last.

I mean, it's really sad if you're using material things to fulfill your needs. After all, how long can such things last? There are some things that money really can't buy: friendships, experiences, love etc. At the end of it all, it's the intangibles that are really valuable. I am really thankful for all the experiences that I've encountered during the past 2 years in NUS and also for the friendships forged. Though there were some painful memories and some that I do not understand the reason behind it, I still believed that there is a reason for everything. I'm glad for the opportunities to step out of my comfort zone and attempt things that I never thought I'll be capable of doing before. Even though not everything worked out in the end, there were still the lessons learnt from each and everyone of them. Lessons that I'll perhaps never forget.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose"

Jim Elliot

Here am I blogging in between lessons. Just waiting for 4 o'clock to come. Sometimes I wonder who actually bothers to read this blog. I mean, other than my close friends, who else would care about what I'm writing? My brother kept saying that my blog entries are boring, mainly because they're different from his. But that's just the way I write. I don't want to tell the whole world the happenings in my life everyday. Chances are nobody will be interested in that too.

But maybe I don't care anyway.

During my QT today, I started thinking about some things. Nothing new. They just keep resurfacing again and again.

Success. What do you mean by that?

Is it determined by the accomplishments that you've achieved? Or by the lives that you've touched? Sometimes I think: In my 21 years of life, what have I done? Am I considered a failure by societal standards? What about God's standards then?

What is it that I want? To be seen as pure and holy in God's eyes? Or to be seen as cool and popular by the world? I have to admit that often I was tempted to seek the latter...only to realise how fruitless it all can be in the end. No matter how much we try to rationalise it, this world really is superficial. We look only on the external appearances most of the time. All these talk about inner beauty and such, yet slimming centres and plastic surgery are still so popular.

oops...it's almost time...i better go for my lecture now...con't later....

World of difference

It was over, before it even began
Just like that

Sometimes I wonder:
How many times before I finally realised it?
It was just a fantasy to begin with
Why did I allow myself to indulge in it?
To believe, when there was nothing to it
Perhaps a part of me already knew the ending

I cannot do this anymore
There are other things out there

If I'd been more careful,
I'd have seen through it all
And see the truth as it is
Yet I chose to ignore it

No, you'll never know how I feel
We were different in so many ways
I cannot be who I'm not
And the same goes for you too

Different worlds. That's what it is.
What's left were the memories
And they'll soon be gone too

I know that some day I will find what I seek
And you won't be a part of that =)

the first 3 weeks

Only the first 3 weeks and I'm already feeling this way. I must be getting old. After all, this is already my final year in NUS. And what happens after that? I don't really want to think about it. I guessed it's because I don't really know.

The children are really great. But at times I asked myself: Do I really want to make a career out of them? Or can I?

I realised that as I grew older, I became more sure of what I want to do instead of being so easily persuaded by others. But that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes either.

What should I do after I graduate? I guessed this is something I have to face sooner or later.

Well, maybe later then =)

after seeing you, i just realise the impossibility of it all

i guessed nothing matters more to u than the things that u want

turned out that i was wrong, right from the start

What's your life project?

So many things going through my mind right now. The situations that were mentioned during CB class were familiar to me, but perhaps it was too personal for me to share. Strange that CB is fast becoming a sharing session rather than a class. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. Most of the things mentioned were rather universal and should not only be confined to consumer behaviour. Perhaps that's what it's all about. Consumer behaviour is about the study of people after all. As such, all of us should be able to relate to it, since all of us are consumers at one time or another. Perhaps it is just that we don't really sit down and think about it much. Buying and consuming things are part and parcel of our lives and it is so entrenched that we don't even notice it. At times I wonder how much we would take back after all these are over. Would we still remember the theories and case studies learnt? Would we really apply them when we go out to work? We place so much emphasis on these but really, how important are they in our lives? How often do textbook theories work in real life? Perhaps that's why there are so many projects now.

Life project. Sometimes our whole life seemed like a big project doesn't it? We all seemed to be working towards different goals yet if we were to look beyond the differences, then we can see the similarities. A good education, a good job, a family etc. Don't we all hoped for a better life in future, though the definition might differ for some? When consumers consume products, is it not because it might take them closer to that goal? Regardless of how small that step may be, or how fleeting it may be. "Selling hope in a bottle". Yes, it might sound superficial but then again, who are we to judge? Don't we all fall into that category as well? Consumer behaviour might seem to be rather complex because we are all so different, but don't we all have the same needs? Marlow's, Carl Jung, Freud etc. I guessed people just like to categorize things into models, theories and so on. Perhaps it gives us the impression that it can be controlled. I mean, if we are able to break it down into models and theories, then perhaps that situation isn't that complex after all isn't it? We just feel the need to rationalize things that we don't really understand. Perhaps that's the case with our attitudes towards our Creator as well.

The unlikeliest of heroes

Today we watched the film, "Alive", during one of my classes. It was supposed to teach us about leadership but as I watched, I can't helped but wonder at the resilience of the human spirit. Basically this film is based on a true story of a plane crash in the Andes mountains. The plane was carrying a group of rugby players to neighbouring Chile when it crashed. And as the narrator had said at the beginning of the film, nobody could anticipate what he could do in that kind of situation until he had gone through it himself. Of the 45 people onboard the plane, only 16 survived at the end of it all. They had spent around 60 days on the Andes mountains, before they were rescued, surviving mainly on the dead bodies of their team-mates. There was some controversy regarding that but I shall not comment on that here.

I know it was supposed to be a lesson on leadership but as we went through the strengths and weaknesses of the various leaders in the story, I just wonder how many of us would behave that way too if we were put in that kind of situation. I guessed it won't be easy, not when it seemed like all is lost. But they never gave up; they continued hoping and praying. Perhaps there wasn't anything left to do but hope and pray after all.

Nando, the unlikeliest of heros. He used to be a shy and awkward teen but he rosed to the occasion. If he had not persisted in walking to Chile, the team would perhaps never be rescued. If there's anything about leadership that I've learnt from this story, it is that leadership isn't about position or being the smartest among the group. It's about doing the right thing at the right time. Above it all, it's also about believing in what you're doing. So is a leader born or made? I do not know but I feel that no amount of training can prepare you for something like this. Actually, does it really matter who the leader is, as long as you know you've done the right thing? Is power and control that important?

His grace....

"My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak"

2nd Corinthians 12:9

You might have guessed it, this is the children's memory verse for the month of August. It couldn't have been more apt, at least for me. Yes indeed, His grace is all I need. Yet I always wanted more. But certain things are simply beyond my control; no matter how hard I want it to go my way. Why is it that it is usually when I'm facing difficulties that I truly seek God again? Do I take Him for granted at other times? Behaving as if I do not need him? I guessed that's what I've been doing, and it shouldn't be. I really do not know how things will turn out in the end. Why should things always be so difficult? Maybe I've taken up more than I could handle. I wonder if I've made the right choice. I'm beginning to lose sight of the goal.

Everything is in Your hands now
Juz take it all away....

It was quite a short day today as I only had one class in the afternoon. After that, Ting and I went to the co-op to collect our readings and buy the consumer behaviour textbook. Kind of regretted doing so as the book and the readings were so heavy but I guessed it was better to buy it at once instead of putting it off too long.

Then we went to Little India, with Xiaoqi and Shaoting, to give the certs to the stallowners (finally!!). Actually I was a little afraid that the stallowners would have forgotten us because after all, it was already almost 1 month after the event. Thankfully, they still remembered us. Xiaoqi commented that all the stallowners were very nice and I couldn't agree more. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have been able to do this well either. Maybe I'm just glad to be able to finally wrap this up and be done and over with it. It's time to move on, Fiona.


During the class today, we were discussing on consumption. Someone mentioned somenting about gaining fulfilment from consuming products and that this fulfilment is getting shorter and shorter. It makes me wonder: should we be getting fulfilment, regardless of what kind it is, from consumer products anyway in the first place? And even if we do, do we really expect it to last forever? Of course not. We always seek what we do not have. A big car, a luxurious house, beautiful clothes, a good figure etc. Yet even when we get all these things, would we really be happy? Well yes, maybe for a short while. Then we'll start pursuing other things again. It never ends does it? It's just like what King Solomonn said in Ecclesiastes, "A chasing after the wind". And how many times have I fallen into that trap? Tempted to pursue things that I know will never last instead of seeking that which is eternal. It doesn't matter what the marketers do, or how many adverts they throw in our face. Are we so easily influenced by the things that we see around us? Did we not believe what the marketers say because perhaps deep inside, we wanted to believe them, even though we are aware that what they say is not entirely true? We can go ahead and blame society, the government, the marketers and so on but in the end, it all boils down to the individual. After all, we are all free to make our own choices in life.

Yet I know that whatever my choice may be
There is Someone who will always watch over me and walk beside me
As long as I am doing His will
He said He'll never forsake nor abandon me
I want to shine again. For Him.
Please re-ignite the flame...

Thank you!!

It's finally over. A very big thank-you to everyone who had attended, though there really wasn't much food =P. I really hoped all of you had enjoyed yourself that night because your presence really did make a difference for me.

Aikia:
Thanks for coming, even though you had to come alone. Heez, sorry 'bout the parking thingy. Yupz, I loved the earrings and the ring. Must teach me how to make one day k...

Ting, SJ and Zh:
It was really sweet of you to give me that (though I was quite afraid of breaking it..hee).

Swee Yee:
Heez...sorry that there wasn't much food left by the time you came. Thanks for rushing down after work! Also real glad that you and Aikia could get along so well....

Simin and Yonglun:
Thanks for coming down all the way from Jurong! Thanks for the gift too (the glass pendant rite? I'm getting a little confused here..haha). Lun: thks for missing CG for tis..hoped you'd enjoyed urself...

Ruoting, Shaoting, Xiaoqi and Xiuli:
My secondary friends. Though we did not keep in touch much, thanks so much for taking the effort to come.

My OG (Claire, Huiling, Hock Beng, Huifang, Xiuqi, Huiyun, Jason, Jianliang):
Thanks for coming! You all really livened up the place...

My LG (Maurice, Cheryl, Jialing, Ryan and Kris):
I loved the sheep, it's so cute!! Thks for the book too, it really is a timely gift. Oh and dun worry Ryan, I'll put the $7.50 to good use..hehe..

Yimei, Johnson and Yvonne:
Thank you for coming!! Really appreciated it 'cos I won't be meeting u guys in NUS anymore...

Aaron and Shirley:
Thanks for rushing down after the course. Hoped all of you managed to squeeze into Simin's car after that...

My family:
Thank you for organizing this. All these wouldn't have gone through if it wasn't for all of you...

And most important of all, GOD:
Thank You for everything; the nice weather, the people and yes, even the food (cos it could've been worst).

I shouldn't be so concerned about the numbers. It really doesn't matter who goes or who doesn't go, or whether they tell me so last minute. After all, I only wanted a small one initially; with those I'm close to. As long as these people are there, it's good enough for me.


I wish you’d be there.
Perhaps that's all I ever wanted.
But maybe you'll never know that.

[edited on 8/8/2005: I'm glad I didn't invite you]

Like a summer breeze

Like a summer breeze, it comes and goes, and refreshes you in the process. Before I know it, the 3-month vacation will be coming to an end in a week's time. At least this time, it had been rather fruitful, unlike the previous one. I am thankful for the opportunities that I got and for the people that I've met during these 3 months. My colleagues, or rather, former colleagues, had been a wonderful bunch of people. It was them that made my stay there so enjoyable despite the occasional nasty calls. Even though most of us are studying in NUS and we might bump into each other at some time or another, I guessed the time span is much too short for any lasting friendships to be established. At times, human feelings can be rather strange. When I was still working, I wished the end of July would come soon. But now that the day has come, there is a sense of loss as well. A part of me wished that it would not end so soon. Yet time waits for no man.

Other than working, there was also the charity event organized by NVAC. Initially, I had agreed to help out with this event mainly because I had thought that I would not be able to find a job and this beats slacking at home. I had to admit that during the 2 months that we spent on this event, there were times when I was reminded of what happened in the past and the fear that history would repeat itself. Thankfully, it turned out to be anything but that. 16th July had come and gone. All those weeks of preparation materialized on that one day.

Then again, this event was not without its fair share of problems either. From the venue to the program to the response rate, it had not always been smooth sailing. When we were informed about the change in the venue, I was worried enough to call up the project director to clarify with him on whether this event was still part of the food festival. And he was nice enough to call me up that night to follow up on that question. When he started sharing about his fears and worries, I began to feel rather helpless, as it seemed that there is nothing much that I can do but pray for him. The program itself was plagued with problems too. At the first dry run, the time taken was far from our expectations and much change had to be done. The second dry run fared slightly better but it still wasn't good enough and time wasn't exactly on our side either. The idea of dropping one checkpoint area was brought up but none of us could bear to do so because of the efforts that each group had put in. Finally, it was circumstances (read: ndp rehearsals) that caused the civic district to be dropped.

Besides the programming committee, helping out with marketing had been an enriching experience too, though the rejections were not always so easy to accept and I did not exactly get along so well with the marketing head at the beginning.

However, I can't help but compare this to the time when we were organizing the run. Then, we did not have a clear direction and we seemed to be finding our way as we went along but this time, the committee had a leader in him. Though it was by no means a one-man effort, I guessed I do admire his capability in organizing this whole event and how the others in the committee respect and listen to him. It seemed there is much that I can learn from all these. In the midst of it all, I hoped that the initial purpose had not been forgotten.

Now, I can truly say that it had indeed been worth it. No doubt there was a sense of relief as well. But it has been 2 weeks and whatever adrenalin and determination that had propelled this entire affair had since died down. It seemed that we are just tying up the loose ends at the moment. Yet I know that this is one experience that I do not want to forget.

What on earth do you treat me as? You're just making use of me aren't you? You said all those things to me just because you needed someone to rant to and it seemed like nobody else is willing to listen to you right? And now that everything is over, you can just pretend that I never exist. Well, go ahead then. Do what you like. At least now I am able to see you as who you really are. I've been such a fool. But you know what, I did not do it for you anyway 'cos you ain't worth it. You are just one big jerk. I am so glad that I'm not going to see you ever again.

Finally

Today was the day. After these 2 months of preparation, it had finally come to this. In my past few entries, I had written that I hoped that all our efforts would be worth it in the end. And indeed it was. Though I didn't really have such a big part in this, I believed everyone in the programming team had done their best, and more. Though it was only for 2 months, I was really glad that I had decided to join the programming team, mainly because of all the wonderful people that I've met there.

The day did not really start off very well. Just the night before, I was praying that it would not rain today. Then when I board the MRT this morning, it started raining and it continued raining when we reached Little India MRT station. I had thought that the traditional games would be cancelled then. This got me a little worried because not only would the participants not get a chance to play the traditional games, the secondary school students with us would also not have anything to do too. As it happened, it actually stopped raining just before the first team arrived!! I don't know about the others but to me, it really was pretty amazing. Because despite all human efforts, certain things are simply beyond our control. I had not anticipated the response from the participants and initially I was rather worried that the response would not be that good. Somehow, I feel that the success of this event is not due to our efforts alone. Lord, thank You so much. I know it is only you who can make the rain stop.

Besides that, I was also grateful for the help from the secondary school students who tend the game stations. Without them, I guessed Tingting and me would not be able to cope on our own. And of course, the participants, as well, who were all so sporting and enthusiastic.

As always, I guess all things have to come to an end eventually. And I'm really glad it could end this way. Though it was only for 2 months, there is a sort of attachment as well. After all, we had been meeting every week since this started and it was becoming a sort of routine for us too. It's really strange sometimes, because a part of me wished it will not end so fast and another part is just so thankful that everything is finally over. But whatever the case, I am glad for this whole experience, however short it was.

Juz a fantasy

Ok, I guess most, if not all, of you will have no idea what I'm writing about below. But just bear with me k. I need to get this off my chest.

I knew this was coming. In fact, I tried so hard to prevent this from happening again. The last thing I want is for history to repeat itself. This time, I told again and again, things would be different.

There shouldn't be anything to it.

Daydreams, that's what it should be. I had thought that by setting a high standard, I could eliminate all possibility of it becoming a reality. In short, it was like daydreaming of living in a fairy tale and it's ok because I know that life will never be like that. By dreaming of something that I know will never happen, I do not set myself up for further disappointments. But you had to spoil everything with the things that you do. Though those little things might seemed insignificant to you, it meant a big deal for me.

Don't you get it? It was supposed to be a fantasy. My fantasy. Please let it remain as such.

Water into Wine

Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me'

John 14:6


This is the new memory verse for the children, which means that June had already passed. That's rather quick, isn't it? As the day draws closer, I'm filled with trepidation and apprehension. And of course, fear as well. The fear that history will repeat itself. But I guess there's no point worrying is there?

I'm having a terrible headache right now. I thought I could last throughout the day but by lunch time, I was feeling too sick to carry on and I did not want to relate the wrong information to the callers. I guessed I won't be going to work tomorrow too. Oh well, I needed the rest anyway. The past few weeks have been rather tiring, with meetings week after week, countless rejections and the disappointment that follows. I wished that at the end of it all, I can say that all these has been worth it.

And He turns water into wine...

Yesterday, the children were taught on how Jesus turns water into wine. Some might wonder what is the significance of this. I mean, a magician could turn water into wine. Yet to me, this little miracle shows something else altogether. It wasn't a magical feat and it wasn't Jesus showing off his prowess. Just when everyone thought that there was no more wine for the guests at the wedding banquet and the servant girls started panicking, Jesus told them to fill the wine jars with water. At that point, did the servant girls doubt him and maybe even thought that he was insane? Probably. But I can imagine the look on their faces when they poured out what they thought was water and it turned to wine. The feeling of elation, gratitude and awe.

When you thought that all else is lost, He turns water into wine.
Lord, if You're willing, I believe You can....

Special

Never thought I'll say this
They really are a special bunch
Her friendliness is overwhelming
Her love extends to even total strangers
A kind of love that I know I'll never be capable of giving
In her world, everything seemed so clear
No pretensions

I wished I had more to offer
'Cos I seemed to have received more than I could ever give
I had thought that I would be afraid
Didn't expected that they could be so endearing
Simply because what you see is what you get
And you know they would never hurt you
How can you not love them?

I guess I've always been attracted to smart and beautiful people

Yet it is these people, the smart and beautiful ones, who constantly hurt you

And it is this other group, not the smart and beautiful ones, who will tug at your heart

I believe God puts them here for a reason

Perhaps it is to teach people like us that, at the end of it all, what's valuable is the human factor

Wonder and amazed

"The Lord is good. His love is eternal. And His faithfulness endures forever."

Psalm 100:5

This is the memory verse for the children for the month of June. This morning, I was pleasantly surprised to see the children reciting this verse from memory. Even Ruth, who is in K1, could put the words together in the correct order. But perhaps I shouldn't be that surprised in the first place. These are smart children after all. Guess there are times when I underestimate them. Maybe that's why I like to interact with young children. I supposed I learnt from them as much as they learnt from me.

They never fail to amaze me

On a side note, sometimes physical age isn't always a true reflection of who you are inside. Perhaps there is a child in all of us.

After what happened the last time, I wondered how I could have the courage to actually try again. Perhaps deep inside, I wanted to believe that it is not only about me. I guess in everything that we do, there is the risk that it would not go as expected. That we could still be disappointed, in spite of all the efforts put in. And one lesson learnt is that certain things are simply beyond our control. Maybe that's just my problem. Too controlling.

All of them told me that the experience is more important than the results. Wonder how many of them actually believed that. But then again, I can't say I disagree either. I don't know what to make of this now. Guess the fear is still there, and I dare not take anything for granted now. Perhaps not as much is at stake now. Perhaps I should learn to take things in my stride.

Waiting

"The need to find a meaning and purpose in life"

The Gallup Poll

Sometimes, life seemed like an endless waiting game
I guess people generally do not like waiting.
We're an impatient bunch, aren't we?
So much efficiency that even waiting for 5 minutes becomes a chore

Taught the children the story of Joseph yesterday.
He is an amazing character.

Who would have expected that a father's love can cause him so much trouble?
Yet it is understandable why his brothers would be jealous of him.
Was he arrogant or merely insensitive to the feelings of his 11 brothers?

Just when he thought that everything will be going well for him,
he was sold to Egypt to become a slave.
Betrayed by his very own brothers

In Egypt, he became his master's trusted aide
Yet in the end, he was thrown into prison by that same person

One couldn't help wondering how Joseph would have felt at that time
Did doubts creep into his mind?

That his dream was perhaps just a dream after all

I like the story of Joseph because of the promise it entails
The promise that God will never forsake you, even when it seemed like He had
And as the story goes, Joseph did become a powerful man in Egypt in the end

No, waiting isn't easy
But waiting in hope is something else...

Confused

I am confused.
Not even sure if I should feel happy or disturbed

Why are intentions so difficult to interprete?
It feels like deja vu, only different

Don't know what it's meant by that

Perhaps there's nothing to it after all
Perhaps my expectations will get blown up again
Perhaps I just shouldn't think too much

But...

What do you mean when you told me all that?
Is it because you just need a listening ear?
And I happened to be there?

After all, I hardly knew you....

Happy

It's great to just sit and chat without a care in the world
Telling each other about our dreams and aspirations

Thank you...

...for lending me a ear when I needed one

Thank you...

...for being so patient and for enduring all my rantings

Thank you...

...for just being you

Yes, I should feel happy and there is no reason why I should not be

Not for keeps

I guess one lesson learnt from all these is not to take anything for granted. Perhaps the saying, "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong", is true after all. I really have to learn to mind my own business. This does not concern me anyway.

Social holiness. "Love thy neighbour as thyself"
Oh Lord, why is that so difficult to do?
The last thing I want to do is to step on others' toes
I'm sorry if you take it any other way.
It's nothing personal. Really.

In the end, what is most important?
What the world sees vs. what God sees
Obligation vs. obedience
Faith vs. works

Have I forgotten what my purpose in life is?
Why am I faltering here?
God, what should I do now?

I feel like sleeping
Maybe when I wake up,
Everything will be alright
Or maybe not
Guess some things are just not for keeps

Baffled

Some people never cease to baffle me.
Maybe I just shouldn't read too much into it

Moods

Haiz...mood's been fluctuating nowadays.

Almost lost my temper just now

Felt bad that I took it out on him when I knew that it's not entirely his fault.
Why did it turn out this way?
This was supposed to be fun.

A part of me just wished to quit now.
After all, maybe they don't need me anyway.
But I've already made a committment and quitting now would make me seemed irresponsible.

I'm just tired.
I don't want to care anymore.
Got the feeling that whatever I say would not make a difference anyway.

Insignificance. Perhaps that's what it is.
It doesn't matter. Really. Just do what you like.

We are the Reason

I simply love this song...


Avalon - We Are The Reason Lyrics

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

We are the reason
That He gave His life
We are the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

He is my reason to live

Grateful....

Thank you Lord...Thank you...

Just when you thought that everything is going so wrong
It's shown once again that all is not lost
'Cos He's still in control and He still loves me
For that, I'll be eternally grateful...

Retreat at Aloha

It's being a while since I've blogged, hasn't it?


The retreat was held at Aloha Changi from 21st to 23rd May. It was based on the Network syllabus and concentrated mainly on spiritual gifts.

The fact that Maurice was down with food poisoning on the first day left the retreat committee feeling a little harried but we managed somehow. Things finally got started around 5 pm. As we sang the song "Still", when the oceans rise and thunder roar, it was raining. How appropriate I thought. I digressed. More on the speaker sessions. The Network speaker sessions were mainly on finding our spiritual gifts and how to use them for ministry. Honestly, this was not the first time I had learnt about spiritual gifts so personally; it was more of an affirmation.

We did an exercise to discover our passion. Mine was children! Well, nothing new actually but it was good to do the exercise and share in our groups nonetheless. Then something Poh Kiang said struck a chord in me. He mentioned something about being a wannabe. Someone said that it is trying to be someone else. Another said that it is to be someone you are not. To be someone you are not. How many times have we fallen into that category? It's like the duck which tries to run and the squirrel which tries to fly. In the process, a wannabe will end up losing his or her own identity. I guess the bottom-line is that we should never try to be someone we are not. Oh ya, Maurice came over that night though he still wasn't feeling very well. Somehow his presence cheered all of us up, especially Ralph and Ryan.

During Vesper that night, Cheryl brought up a quote by someone (I can't remember): "We serve not to be accepted; we're accepted and that's why we serve..."or something along that line. That night, this quote resonates in my mind. How many times have we equated service to acceptance? Yet Christ had died for us all, didn't he? As it happened, this was linked to the speaker sessions the next day.


Obedience versus obligation.

Do we do the things that we did out of obedience or obligation? Are we motivated by what others see or what God sees? Sometimes while serving, be it in church or elsewhere, do we stopped and think about these questions? Then there are times when we do things because a need arises, not because it is within our spiritual gifts or passion. So will that be obedience or obligation? I would like to say that it is love. Because love succeeds where obligations cannot. And it is this love that I would like to see among the youths.

If this had been in school and she had been my projectmate, I guessed I would have gotten pissed off a long time ago. But now, it has showed that I wasn't that far from the truth all along. Come on, if you're not sure about whether you can do it, at least have the courtesy to say so lah. Especially since I've asked, two times before! Oh wait, she did say. At the last minute! But no, I am not angry. Not when I'd thought that things had finally taken a turn for the better. After all, I should have expected this right? Ok, maybe I am a little pissed off with the way things are going. Despite all that I say, I guess I'm still a hopeless optimist at heart. I had wished that I would be proven wrong but sadly, that isn't the case. Ya, I know I'm ranting here but this is my blog k. "In your anger do not sin". That's why I'm here blogging instead of sending an acrimonious reply to her. Oh well, as long as I know why I am doing all these.


Someone said that my blog entries are usually of me feeling sad and disillusioned. Hope this one differs.

A reason for everything

Somehow this reminds me of 2 years ago.
Or is it 3. I can't really remember anymore.
I guessed the cracks were already appearing then. (Or have they been there all along; only that we've not noticed them then?)
Arrows. Shooting everywhere. I hated it.
So I did what I did best. Running away from it all.
It did leave me feeling disillusioned at that time.
And I thought that it would be the same everywhere.
Then I met her and him and the others
And it made me realized that how wrong I have been
Love, passion and commitment.
Things that were once absent resonates there
I never even thought they had existed
No arrows to hurt you
I realize how much I've been missing

It was meant to be a house of love but I find little of it there
And it was only until I've moved away do I realized it
Forcing myself into a place that perhaps I didn't really belonged to in the first place
I am happy now. With the children.
But it makes me sad that he has to go through all that I've gone through before
I can only pray that he'll come to realize that the people are not the main reason for going to church.
Neither should they stop us from going
I still believe that all things happened for a reason


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

Jeremiah 29:11

Patience

Patience, is not one of my greatest virtue.
Some people think, "Fiona is so patient..blah...blah blah.."
Really. They couldn't be further from the truth.

Perhaps it's the impression I gave them. Or maybe it's just something that people say when they don't know you well. Whatever.

Still, I'm learning everyday.
To wait.
To be patient.
In His time.

Love, lack of

While knowledge may make us feel important, it is love that really builds up the church.

1 Cor 8:1


If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1 Cor 13:1-7 (The Message)


Love, or rather, the lack of it.
And we wonder what the problem is.

Learning to die in order to live

"We need to learn to die in order to live" Tuesdays with Morrie

How do I die to these desires and live for God alone? 'Cos only He alone is worth living for. Well, I always told myself that if I went there solely because of the people, I guess I would have stopped going a long time ago. I hate to remind myself every time that things have not changed and perhaps it never will. If something were to happen, it would have a long time ago when I was still a part of it. No, I am not going to be as affected as I was years ago. I didn't know it then, but now I know better. Don't get me wrong. I still have hopes in people, just not in them. But what really is the problem?


History.
Experience.
Friendships that spanned a few generations.
These are not bad.
Yet this familiarity is the one thing that binds and separates. What happened to those outside the circle? Where will they go? It's not about past experiences shared only by a privileged few. It's the present and the future that truly matters. They say they do not judge. But I could see it in their eyes. No matter how much I've changed, they still regard me as the girl I once was. If there is one thing that is difficult to change: it's people's perceptions.

Don't put all the blame on the present leadership; it's the people before them who set the foundation and I was part of it as well. I made a mistake then. Agreeing to take it on before I was prepared for it. No, it wasn't because they believed in my ability. It's because there was no one else. But I guess I was at fault too. I could always say 'no', and I didn't. Yet all these are past now and regretting past actions is not going to do anyone any good. Some things just aren't as important as they were back then. Perhaps there was a chance at that time; it does not exist now.

they cannot hurt me the way they did
for a scar has formed where the wound once was

Undone

Undone
by Mercy Me
album: Undone (2004)

No apologies
For who I’m meant to be
The only thing that matters is
I am free
When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When I feel my world
Start to fall apart

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

Even in defeat
The face of tragedy
Still you'd have to say that
I found victory
In brokenness comes beauty
Divine fragility
Reminding me of nail scarred hands
Reaching out for me

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

Hallelujah I'm undone!

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

To the cross I run
To be what I've become
And I'm undone

Of masks and masquerade

I guess we all put on masks, don't we? Hiding from the world what we do not want others to see. But why should we do that? Won't it be simpler if everyone just show what they really are inside? Or am I just too naive here? There are many reasons why people hide behind this facade. And if we were to admit it, it all boils down to fear doesn't it? The fear that others will not like us if they were to know who we are inside. Or perhaps we think they will not care anyway. Maybe it's because we are just so afraid of getting hurt. After all, the less people know about us, the less able they will be to hurt us. Yet by doing so, we also ended up isolating ourselves. Sometimes, we're not even sure of what we really want or why we did the things we do. Sometimes, we hide so much that we forgot who we really are inside. Sometimes, this whole world seemed like a masquerade.

Just to follow up on what I've written in my previous entry. I guess if we were to really admit it, we'll realize that at one time or another, we all make use of each other. So what's the big deal? Well, it's a big deal when we're on the losing end. Or is it? Who determines who win or lose anyway? Maybe we just do not like to be seen as if we're being taken advantage of. After all, as the saying goes, nice guys always finish last. Thing is, would we have behaved in the same way too if we were in that position? Would I behave like her too if I were in her position? Perhaps. So it seemed that I am guilty as charged too. By feeling so affected by what happened, you might think that I would do things differently. I'm sorry that I'm only human. Too many times I have been so critical of others and only to realize later that I fall into that category as well. Perhaps I have been too quick to judge. It's easy to disregard or simply ignore the feelings of others. Likewise, that's how others can behave towards you too, be it intentionally or unintentionally.


Just in case you believe that great social problems are beyond your scope, consider this story: God said to me: Your task is to build a better world. I answered: How can I do that? The world is such a large, vast place, so complicated now, and I am so small and useless. There's nothing I can do. But God in his great wisdom said: Just build a better you.

-Anonymous

Learning to let go

I supposed I had given up a long time ago. There was once when I had hoped that my relationship with them would actually improve. I went for most of the activities. All in the hope that I could somehow find a way in. Maybe it was a sense of belonging that I was seeking. Whatever it was, I didn't find it. Not in them, anyway. In fact, along the way, I guess I got lost instead. I forgot the purpose of it all. In the end, it was the disillusionment that finally woke me up. It was painful at that time. The realization that some people were nice to you simply because they wanted something in return. And when they got it, they just turn their back on you, like as if you didn't exist in the first place. She was all smiles when she asked you to do something. At other times, it was like we were strangers. Yet I was prepared to overlook it then. Choosing instead, to look at the bright side and making up excuses for those behaviours. It happened again and again and it just had to stop somewhere.

Thinking back, I guess there were some things that I would not have done if I had known what I knew now. But then again, if it wasn't for those incidents, there will be some truths that I'd never have realised otherwise. It's funny how I usually generalize people like that. In all fairness, not everyone there behaved that way. Perhaps I was too immature then; putting my hopes in things that would not last. Guess I still am now. Still learning to let go...

She told me...

She told me she had seen him. I wished she had not done that. Only 1 month and it seemed so long. I had tried so hard to put it all behind me. So much so that it was as if he did not exist in the first place. But he did. And that little incident proved it. She said she was disappointed, that she didn't expect things to turn out this way. Neither did I. But I'm glad I had not stayed behind that day. In fact, I'm glad that I'm probably not going to see him ever again. It is said that time can heal all wounds. Patience is what I need now. Perhaps it was good after all, that things do not always go the way I want it to. Thankful, that's what I should be feeling now.



Saw this quote somewhere,

"A retentive memory is a good thing. But the ability to forget is the true token of greatness".

Lord, I want to forget.

Fairy tales

Holding out for a Hero

Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods?
Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need.

I need a hero.
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night.
He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero.
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light.
He's gotta be sure
and it's gotta be soon

Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
there's someone reaching back for me.
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet.

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear there is someone somewhere watching me.
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood.

I need a hero.
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night.
He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast

- Bonnie Taylor


Last Friday, I went to watch a stage production at my brother's school. It was quite a good effort although the plot was somewhat predictable, about a prince falling in love with the humble village girl. Typical Cinderella-like story. But still...

Don't we all love fairy tales?
Even though we all knew how far they are from real life
And they lived happily ever after...

No, fairy tales don't happen
Neither should they
Not for me at least...

Of evolution & cloning

How changes in DNA sequences can account for the natural evolution of a species.

So what if our DNA is similar to that of other species, e.g. chimpanzees, aren't we all created by one creator? How does that show that we actually 'evolved' from chimps?

Evolution and Human cloning

I almost cried during the Genes and Society lecture last Thursday. Usually, I had to struggle to keep myself awake during the lectures but last Thursday, it was somehow rather different. The lecturer was going through cloning, of both animals and humans. The animal part was still palatable but when it comes to human cloning, I guess I can get rather emotional. Luckily the lecturer did not cover anything about evolution.

Just thinking about it makes me sad. The things people do.

How is cloning done?
http://www.globalchange.com/clone.html

I was thinking, if human cloning really becomes prevalent in future, does it mean that we do not need men anymore? After all, women will be able to 'create' children on their own right?

Maybe my thinking is a little skewed. But it is disturbing isn't it? In normal circumstances, a male and a female is needed to produce a baby. But in this case, it just defies everything that we know about reproduction. Granted that there are some advantages for human cloning (e.g. for infertile couples), the disadvantages clearly outweighs these advantages. Why do people have to mess around with our biological system like that? Don't we realise what we're doing here?

Got this from my notes:

A personal supply of stem cells:
Could be made from an embryo produced by nuclear transfer using an individual's own cells and a donor human egg cell
The embryo would be allowed to develop just until the embryonic stem cells are produced and before they start to differentiate (~ 100 cell-stage)
These cells could be used to treat serious illnesses caused by damage to cells (e.g. diabetes, AIDS etc)


Sounds good doesn't it? "These cells could be used to treat serious illnesses caused by damage to cells". But read further and you'll realise that the embryo will be destroyed around the 100 cell stage. I don't know about others but to me, the embryo is already a life. So in this case, won't it be like deliberately creating a life just to kill it so as to save another? That just sounds so wrong to me.

Something else:

ACTUALLY The world's first human clone of an adult was made, by Advanced Cell Technology in Nov 1998.
They took a cell from Dr Jose Cibelli and combined it with a cows egg from which the genes had already been removed. The genes activated and the egg began to divide in the normal way up to the 32 cell stage at which it was destroyed. If the clone had been allowed to continue beyond implantation it would have developed as Dr Cibelli's identical twin (in the cow?????).
Technically 1% of the human clone's genes would have belonged to the cow - the mitochondria genes. Mitochondria are power generators in the cytoplasm of the cell. They grow and divide inside cells and are passed on from one generation to another. They are present in sperm and eggs. Judging by the successful growth of the combined human-cow clone creation it appears that cow mitochondria may well be compatible with human embryonic development.


This is even more disturbing. Sounds like something out of a science fiction movi...
At times I wonder what is this world coming to...

The language of love

I just have this urge to blog about Him today.

Heard a sermon yesterday during the Good Friday service. As I was listening, tears swelled up in my eyes. The speaker wasn't animated or dramatic but the contents touched my heart. He mentioned that we tend to think that we can control God and that we usually ask God to give us what we want. The language of pragmatism and superstition. How true that is! Especially in my case. Unknowingly, I guess I had imposed all these upon God. When all I should be doing is to be obedient to Him.

Jesus was obedient till death.
He could have saved himself in front of Pontius Pilate and the Pharisees.
Just like what he did when they asked him about the paying of taxes to Caesar.
But he chose to remain silent.
Because he knew...that he has to do his Father's will.


Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother, "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

Luke 2: 33-35


How did Mary feel when she saw Jesus on the cross?
Would she have remembered the prophecy given by Simeon years ago?
"And a sword will pierce your own soul too."
How painful that must be for her.
Yet she only knew him for 33 years.
How about the Father who had known Jesus for all eternity?
How did He feel?



"Dear woman, here is your son. Here is your mother. (to the disciple)"
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
"I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise"
"I am thirsty"
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"
"It is finished."

No, Jesus didn't speak much before his death.
Yet what he said spoke a lot
The language of love
That's what it's all about

Our God is such an awesome God
I couldn't stop crying then
Words alone cannot describe His great love
I recalled back to that night 4 years ago
The first time when I felt His love
Even though I've known Him all my life
He is the one who gave meaning to my empty life
How could I have forgotten my first love?

I'm so sorry, Lord.
Puncture my heart once more and take away the numbness
Though it hurts, at least I can feel once again
So that I can grow closer to You

There are times when I feel like a failure. And this is one of them. Then I started feeling guilty because I know that I should not feel this way. I should know very well that success is not determined by our accomplishments. Have I forgotten that? Just 4 days ago, we learnt that righteousness comes from faith, not deeds.

I wished life could be simpler. That people will be true about their feelings instead of all these hidden agendas. I was irritated with one of my groupmates yesterday. I really can't understand why is it that she has to behave that way. But I guess there's no point harping over it.

Just another one of the realities of life.
Really wished I could be in heaven right now

I saw him today near the canteen
But I chose to walk the other way

Maybe I was afraid to know...

A bright and sunny morning

It was a bright and sunny morning today. Just perfect.

When I woke up this morning, I had forgotten what date it is today. Then I remembered. And I saw how wonderful the weather was. No thunder, no lightning, no rain, not even an overcast sky. I couldn't help imagining what it could have been if.....I still cannot understand it. Perhaps I never will.


Yesterday, my LG leader said that I should not be discouraged by all this because of the experience that I've gained. Then someone asked if I would do anything differently if I could do it all over again.

Little did they know that this is not only about the run.
Would I have done anything differently?
Somehow, I can't seemed to answer that question.