The language of love

I just have this urge to blog about Him today.

Heard a sermon yesterday during the Good Friday service. As I was listening, tears swelled up in my eyes. The speaker wasn't animated or dramatic but the contents touched my heart. He mentioned that we tend to think that we can control God and that we usually ask God to give us what we want. The language of pragmatism and superstition. How true that is! Especially in my case. Unknowingly, I guess I had imposed all these upon God. When all I should be doing is to be obedient to Him.

Jesus was obedient till death.
He could have saved himself in front of Pontius Pilate and the Pharisees.
Just like what he did when they asked him about the paying of taxes to Caesar.
But he chose to remain silent.
Because he knew...that he has to do his Father's will.


Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother, "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

Luke 2: 33-35


How did Mary feel when she saw Jesus on the cross?
Would she have remembered the prophecy given by Simeon years ago?
"And a sword will pierce your own soul too."
How painful that must be for her.
Yet she only knew him for 33 years.
How about the Father who had known Jesus for all eternity?
How did He feel?



"Dear woman, here is your son. Here is your mother. (to the disciple)"
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
"I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise"
"I am thirsty"
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"
"It is finished."

No, Jesus didn't speak much before his death.
Yet what he said spoke a lot
The language of love
That's what it's all about

Our God is such an awesome God
I couldn't stop crying then
Words alone cannot describe His great love
I recalled back to that night 4 years ago
The first time when I felt His love
Even though I've known Him all my life
He is the one who gave meaning to my empty life
How could I have forgotten my first love?

I'm so sorry, Lord.
Puncture my heart once more and take away the numbness
Though it hurts, at least I can feel once again
So that I can grow closer to You

There are times when I feel like a failure. And this is one of them. Then I started feeling guilty because I know that I should not feel this way. I should know very well that success is not determined by our accomplishments. Have I forgotten that? Just 4 days ago, we learnt that righteousness comes from faith, not deeds.

I wished life could be simpler. That people will be true about their feelings instead of all these hidden agendas. I was irritated with one of my groupmates yesterday. I really can't understand why is it that she has to behave that way. But I guess there's no point harping over it.

Just another one of the realities of life.
Really wished I could be in heaven right now

I saw him today near the canteen
But I chose to walk the other way

Maybe I was afraid to know...

A bright and sunny morning

It was a bright and sunny morning today. Just perfect.

When I woke up this morning, I had forgotten what date it is today. Then I remembered. And I saw how wonderful the weather was. No thunder, no lightning, no rain, not even an overcast sky. I couldn't help imagining what it could have been if.....I still cannot understand it. Perhaps I never will.


Yesterday, my LG leader said that I should not be discouraged by all this because of the experience that I've gained. Then someone asked if I would do anything differently if I could do it all over again.

Little did they know that this is not only about the run.
Would I have done anything differently?
Somehow, I can't seemed to answer that question.

The Glassblower

Got this story from a camp 2 years ago. It touched my heart then. Guess it still does now...


The Glassblower

Walking past the little shop I saw a flash of light in my peripheral vision. I turned to see where it had come from and I was fascinated to see a glassblower at work. A very large window was in the front of the shop so that passersby could watch the process. He would blow air into the hot glass through a long tube and then take it in very long metal tongs. The tongs were made so that by manipulating them in a certain way, they could clip the glass here and there, and then mold it into the desired shape.


Then the glassblower placed the partially shaped glass into an extremely hot oven. I could see the yellow flames leaping high as he opened the oven door and placed the glass inside. When the fire had accomplished its purpose and the glass was made pliable, it was withdrawn from the fire and shaped a little more. After that, it was promptly put back into the fire. When the firing and the molding were complete, the piece was placed on a shelf to cool.


As I stood there watching this process, I was thinking of the glass as if it was me. I was thinking about how all that stretching and bending and cutting and being placed in such a hot fire over and over again would feel. I would not like to be in the glassblower’s hands! Then I turned to look at his display case which was positioned so that the bright morning sun streamed straight through it. When I observed the exquisite beauty of the delicately crafted glass pieces that sparkled with rainbow-like colors as they reflected the light of the golden sun, then I knew that the end result was worth the pain.

Broken Bag

The strap on my bag broke yesterday. Finally. Well, considering how heavy my bag is, it's really a wonder how it could last so long. Then again, it is metal after all. Guess I've no choice but to use a new bag now.

How could I have prevented this from happening?

1. Use a bag that can withstand a heavy load
2. Lighten the load by removing some stuff that were not needed

Question is: how heavy is too heavy? sometimes we won't know til it broke.

The light at the end

I'm trudging through life. Trying desperately to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever reach the end in one piece. It seems to get harder with each passing day. Seemed like Murphy law at work. Everything that could go wrong has more or less gone wrong

When will it ever end?
I'm getting scared
Where're my faith and my confidence?

I hate to admit that he's right to say that this would affect me. Didn't he realize it before he made that decision? Maybe the truth hurts even more. The truth is that he didn't care anyway. After all, why should he? Who am I to him? Just another girl, out of the hundreds that he knew. I wished I could be stronger. That I could just get over it already. This is getting so tiring. There are so many things that I should be doing instead of this. Yet a part of me is afraid to actually try something else again. I'm so afraid of falling again.

2 weeks ago, I fell while going up the bus. Till now, the wound has not completely healed yet. And I know that even when it's healed, the scar will still remain.

Holding on...

I'm still holding on.

At times, it seemed like everything is just going so wrong. I'm beginning to wonder how much longer I can take this. It is stated in the Bible that we should "consider it pure joy in the face of trials". And that trials are here to make us stronger.

But it hurts so much.

Every morning I woke up and the reality of it all come crashing down again. I have failed. Terribly. Sometimes I wonder if I had gotten myself into this. I wanted so badly for something good to come out of this. I thought I will be able to get over this, but the disappointment still lingers on. The pain is still there no matter how hard I try to put this whole affair behind me.

Will I never forget?

I don't know what to do anymore. Seemed like I can't do anything right. I really hope God will tell me the answer soon. I'm really not very strong. I'm just hanging on to the faith and the belief that God does know better. Even though I can't seemed to understand why all these has to happen and why God is so silent, I will carry on living in hope that one day, all things will be made clear and He'll come and take away the pain.

I'm still waiting...

Moving on...

Yes, I should move on. And I will. I've brood over this long enough and it's starting to take it's toil on me. After all, it really isn't such a big deal and I feel kinda foolish to actually get so upset over it.

So what if we have put a lot of efforts into this?
So what if the event does not go on in the end?
Have I forgotten what my purpose in life is?

This isn't the be-all and end-all. Life still goes on and that is a choice that I have to make. To get this whole experience behind me or to continue to be bothered with it? I want to choose the former. I mean, there are bigger things happening out there. Who am I to actually get angry with God when he has already provided me with so many blessings? And I'm not angry with him either. Guessed I never was, I was simply looking for someone to push the blame to.

Closing the door and throwing away the key again...
But this time with a valuable lesson learnt...
No regrets....

Disappointed. Once again.

At times, I feel that the more you put in, the more disappointed you will feel when things do not go as planned. The sense of disappointment is still there. Whenever I saw the posters, I was reminded of how it could be like if it wasn't cancelled. We're supposed to take them down. But I just do not have the heart to do so.

Am I still hoping? Have I not given up yet?

I guess I have to learn to let go. Certain things are simply beyond our control. I should feel glad for this opportunity to learn something. Failures do happen. It's just reality. But though I have been expecting this outcome, that doesn't take away the pain.

Seems like everytime I put my heart and soul into something, it goes wrong...

I shouldn't have put my trust in worldly things. All things will come to pass anyway. Perhaps 10 years down the road, it will not matter whether this run goes on or not. What really matters will be the friendships forged and the lessons learnt. Time heals all wounds. I know I will be able to get over this. Yet, I do not know if I'll have the courage to undertake something like this again.

Why did he have to disappoint me?
Or were my expectations too high?
Sometimes when I look at him,
I wonder how he did the things he had done
Was the passion, the fire, not there anymore?

Don't tell me that I've done a lot when it all comes to nothing in the end
Your words do not mean anything now.

This is it.

This is it.

What I've feared all along has become a reality. The event has been cancelled. Now, it looks like the efforts that we've put in for the past few months have come to nothing. It would be an understatement to say that I'm disappointed. Because it's not just disappointment that I feel here. It's like as if we just gave up without even trying. What's the point of preparing so much in advance when we gave up so easily?

But most of all, I'm disappointed in him. Even though he would be giving up the post soon, it seemed as though he does not bother anymore. I supposed I should not be surprised. I've sort of expected this all along. Just hoping that it will not come true.

But it has.
The harsh realities of the real world. Guess that's what business is like. No point getting too upset over it.

He: You sound upset.
Me: Am I supposed to feel happy?

Feelings of inadequacy

Inadequate. That's how I feel now. Felt that I've undertaken more than I can actually handle. Looks like he has put his trust in the wrong people. I thought that I could do it. Things look so much easier when you're on the other side but over here, it looks so difficult. Honestly, I wonder how we can actually pull this off. I guess it's not only about me here. We've put in so much so that I think I will cry if things do not work out. But then again, what's the point in crying? I really should have known better.

Lord, i can't do this anymore. why is this happening?

I'm reminded of that song again:

If this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through

I tried to do what's best
And faith has make it easy
But the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in You

For You know better than me
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than me

Lord, when will I be truly able to let go the need to know why?

Do we need a miracle for this to go on? Will it just end here?

More and more, I'm beginning to think that we need a miracle for this event to actually go on. How did things come to this? It started out quite alright. What happened in between? I guess there is no point in pointing fingers now. After all, that is not going to change anything anyway. I don't really know what to do anymore. Is everything that we did, all that we've put in the past few months, going to waste now? What is the point in persisting in something that is not meant to happen in the first place? But this isn't just about me isn't it? I mean, everyone in the group is involved and they have done a lot as well. I hate to see all their efforts go down the drain as well. Maybe I shouldn't have spent so much time and effort on this in the first place. But then again, I have no idea what will happened in future. At least I know that I have tried my best. Or have I? There seemed to be so many things that I could have done better, on hindsight. On hindsight, things always seemed clearer. I guess I should have no regrets. I did learn quite a lot from this whole experience. Maybe I shouldn't have sent the email to him. Now, it seemed like such a stupid thing to do. Oh well, I just hoped that he won't read too much into it.