It's really strange how it is that expectations can affect how you perform, or how you respond. After all, why should we be so affected by others' perceptions of us? I guess it could work both ways. I could still remember my secondary four Chinese teacher who kept persuading me to drop Higher Chinese because she didn't expect me to do well, probably because I got a B3 for my O'level Chinese. Anyway, that actually caused me to want to take Higher Chinese, partly to prove her wrong. Well, in the end, I got a B3, which wasn't that fantastic but at least it's enough to exempt me from taking Chinese at A'levels. I'm still not sure if I've made the right decision to persist despite what she had said but in this case, her low expectations of me had motivated me to want to work harder.
Unfortunately, that was not always the case for me. At times, such expectations just made me want to give up. I guess those people in question would perhaps never read this, but I'll still write it out anyway. Hah. Maybe they won't care even if they do read this. That basically sums everything up, doesn't it? Their attitudes, expectations, whatsoever. Just got the feeling that whatever I do or say won't make any difference. That to them I am just this quiet girl. I wonder why it had to turn out this way. I wonder why I am still persisting. Am I still hoping that perhaps their perceptions of me will change? It shouldn't be like this. Is this what heaven will be like? I really wished so much that we'll be able to share with each other our feelings without all these pre-conceptions of each other. Isn't that the purpose of this group in the first place?
But...they never really did believe in me. Patronizing at best; even condescending at other times. At first I thought that the problem lies with me. Then I realised that it takes two hands to clap. I don't even want to try to understand them anymore because there aren't any more excuses to make for them. Sometimes I wonder, are we even friends? How much do we understand each other despite knowing each other for so many years?
It wasn't like that with him or her or the others, who were mostly not even Christians. As I've mentioned before, if I only believed because of people, I would have stop believing a long time ago.
It shouldn't be like this. But it is. Expectations versus reality.
It's already March; almost half-way through the 6 months deadline.
Losing hope but still praying for a miracle.
Unfortunately, that was not always the case for me. At times, such expectations just made me want to give up. I guess those people in question would perhaps never read this, but I'll still write it out anyway. Hah. Maybe they won't care even if they do read this. That basically sums everything up, doesn't it? Their attitudes, expectations, whatsoever. Just got the feeling that whatever I do or say won't make any difference. That to them I am just this quiet girl. I wonder why it had to turn out this way. I wonder why I am still persisting. Am I still hoping that perhaps their perceptions of me will change? It shouldn't be like this. Is this what heaven will be like? I really wished so much that we'll be able to share with each other our feelings without all these pre-conceptions of each other. Isn't that the purpose of this group in the first place?
But...they never really did believe in me. Patronizing at best; even condescending at other times. At first I thought that the problem lies with me. Then I realised that it takes two hands to clap. I don't even want to try to understand them anymore because there aren't any more excuses to make for them. Sometimes I wonder, are we even friends? How much do we understand each other despite knowing each other for so many years?
It wasn't like that with him or her or the others, who were mostly not even Christians. As I've mentioned before, if I only believed because of people, I would have stop believing a long time ago.
It shouldn't be like this. But it is. Expectations versus reality.
It's already March; almost half-way through the 6 months deadline.
Losing hope but still praying for a miracle.
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