three weeks

It has been three weeks since school started, and I guessed I've more or less gotten used to the pace. Before long, life will get more hectic with project deadlines, quizzes and so on. Well, I guessed I will miss school life after all. Yet as much as I would like to keep this moment forever, the reality is that life goes on and we all need to move on as well.

Recently, there were people who asked me what I will be doing after I graduate when I told them that I will be graduating this semester. But thing is, I don't know. I really don't. I know that perhaps I should start searching for jobs now, or at least that's the advice I've been getting. Maybe I'm just not in a rush to start working yet. Funny that I don't really feel scared yet. Perhaps the reality of it has not really set in. Perhaps a part of me just wished that I do not have to graduate or start working. Yet I do not want to continue studying either.

Sometimes I wonder: is this all there is to life? Study, get a degree, get a good job, get married, have children, retire etc. Will we truly be happy then? Or rather, is life only about pursuing our own happiness? Am I placing too much emphasis on the things that will only last while we're alive on this earth and forgetting that there're will be so much more beyond our life here? This world can be so shallow. Placing our faith and trust in worldly possessions will only bring about greater hurt and pain when we finally realised where it's all getting to in the end. Nowhere.

At times we have to learn this the hard way. I know I have, and still learning.

I'm in that pensive mood again. Beginning to think that time is not an accurate indicator of the depth of relationship. Are my expectations really that high? Or did I get it wrong right from the start? I know I've blogged about this before, but I felt like doing this again. Heez...I've been in this group for 2 years and at times I feel that there's no progress at all. It shouldn't be like this should it? Where is the love here? Was it even there in the first place? I recalled what the teacher said during the TED sessions at Meta camp, he said that the opposite of love isn't hatred, it's indifference. Ya, that's the general feeling that I get in that group. Indifference. No matter how hard I try to reach them, it just didn't seemed to work. It takes 2 hands to clap. Well, many hands in this case. I can't do this alone and I am getting tired. I have tried, so many times before. And each time it turned out the same. It feels like ym all over again as the memories come rushing back. I though I could get away from it all but how could I when it's the same people again and again? I hate to just give up and go away but this has to stop some time right? I am not looking for a perfect lg but at least one that cares for each other. Lord, why is it still like this after all these years? 6 months. I'll try my best for these 6 months. If things still don't work out, then I guess I just have to move on. There's no point dragging things further.

the first week

The first week of school has just passed, though I only had 2 days of school (ok, it's 3 if i count the Saturday make-up as well). I think I've finally come to a decision regarding whether I should take honours or double major. Well, sort of anyway. And the thing is, I don't think I'll be doing either, 'cos I think I'll be graduating this semester. Although I'm not exactly looking forward to working ife either, I guess it is a reality that I cannot run away from. Maybe I'm just tired of school life, though I would prefer it to working. I guess I have to make up my mind sooner or later anyway.

3 more months to go. Somehow, I know these 3 months will pass by in a flash, just as it was before. I used to hope that the semester will pass faster so that it'll be holidays but this time's different isn't it? There are some people who have their whole career set out for them even before they graduate. Well, guess I'm not one of them. I honestly do not know what I'm going to do after I graduate but I guess things will always work out. After all, at the end of it all, what's really important?

Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.

Does He care about how smart you are, how pretty you are, how popular you are etc? I'm thankful that He judge us not by the world's standard, but by how we are inside.

"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelations 7:17

One day, we'll all be there. If only you'll believe.

In Grace

I'm glad to be back home. Yet I'm also glad that I'd gone though I've taken quite a long time to decide initially. As you could see from my previous posts, I had gone hoping that I could find the answers that I was searching for. And no, I still do not know what to do regarding that question but rather, some other answers were revealed during the past 3 to 4 days. Answers that were perhaps more important than what I'm currently facing now.

In grace I stand, not by works. Indeed, it is His love and grace that justifies everything. So many lessons that I do not know how to write all of them down here. Most importantly, I've learnt that God loves me and that I do not have to do anything to earn His love. A simple lesson yet at times I've forgotten this. Looking back at the things that I've done before, I've to admit that there are times, more often than I'd like, when I did things to gain God's favour. So that I could be at least more deserving of His love. That made me feel really stressed up and even frustrated when things did not go my way. Yet that is not what God wants, cos nothing that I do could make Him love me more or less. Thank God for that!!

Merry Christmas!!

It seemed quite a while since the last time I've blogged. Actually, there're a lot of things going through my mind right now and I wished I could write them all down here. But I guess I'm feeling a little tired now.

Perhaps I'm just not a very decisive person. Or is it because I'm not sure of what I want? Why are some decisions so difficult to make?

Going off for a camp tomorrow. Maybe it's good that it comes at this time as well. Perhaps I'll find the answers there. Perhaps not. Whatever it is, I know that everything happens for a reason. Merry Christmas peope!!

We are the reason

Chirstmas is coming again...and i'm reminded of this song...
by David Meece

We Are The Reason

As little children we would dream of Christmas morn
And all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

And we were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by we learned more about gifts
And giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
Because of love, because of love

And we are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him
For Him

And we are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

He is my reason to live

Last Sunday

Just attended a friend's wedding last Sunday evening. That was actually the second wedding that I've attended in a span of 3 weeks. Maybe I am getting old after all, though the bride and bridegroom were not exactly from my age group. Guess it is a reality that I cannot run away from, considering that I'll be graduating soon and so would most of my peers. Most of them would probably be working and ready to settle down in a few years' time as well. A few years down the road, perhaps weddings will be the only time that we are able to catch up with each other.

Don't get me wrong. I've nothing against weddings. In fact, I loved the way two people are able to come together before their friends and family, and most importantly, God, to profess their love for each other. I'm really happy for my friend who got married 4 days ago. She was someone who had made an impact in my life in my first year in NUS, not only through her teachings but through her actions as well. I'm glad that she was finally able to find someone who she could spend the rest of her life with.

You know, weddings always leave you with this kind of feeling and at times it makes me wonder:

when will you ever appear?

do you even exist?

maybe i should just forget about it....

Cats and dogs

Kitty cats and puppy dogs. If you ask me, this is what I've brought back from the camp. Of course, there are much more that I'd learnt as well, with regards to the children, the programs and the other leaders.

A kitty cat thinks: You feed me; you pet me; you shelter me; you love me. I must be God.

A puppy dog thinks: You feed me; you pet me; you shelter me; you love me. You must be God.

Which attitude should I be taking towards God? It goes without saying that it should be that of the puppy dog. Yet there are times I act like a kitty cat, more often than I would like. How different life would be if I could just put God at the center of my life, yet even by thinking that way I'm actually putting myself first. When will I ever learn to put God as first priority in everything that I do? Why do I always have to be tempted by my desires when I know very well at in the end, it's Jesus who truly matters? Often, I've cared too much about others' perceptions of me to the point that I forgot that it is what He thinks of me that is more important. Too many times I've taken God's love for granted and it is as if Jesus had died in vain. When one of the speakers shared about how she had felt when her baby died and how she had held back even when she prayed to God, I remembered how I had often done that with my problems as well. I can say that I trust God to take control yet in my heart I still refused to let go; refusing to believe that God can make things right.

The children were really wonderful, though at times they can be rather mischievous. Well most of the time actually. And yes, they were rather pampered as well. The same goes for me too. I should be counting my blessings instead of complaining. Some things are beyond my control. So what if our team did not win any prizes in the end? What truly matter are the lessons learnt and the experiences gained. I wished the children could understand this. Yes, it would be nice to win but whatever it is there can only be one winner. Life isn't a 100m dash; it's more of a marathon and I guess we have to take it slow at times. Cos this race isn't about coming in first and Jesus had said that the first will be last and the last will be first. Sometimes, in our rush to win, we forgot about the things that are much more important, like our relationships with each other. Another thing that I've learnt is that actions speak louder than words, especially for children. Seemed that they learn more from what we do than from what we say.

Photos...

A few days ago I was looking at my old photos from past years. As usual, some things had changed while some still remained the same. Looking at them really did bring back some memories and funny how things always seemed to be better during recall than it was when it occured. Honestly, I can't remember everything that had happened in the past but perhaps that's what these photos are for. So that I won't forget. It is said that a picture paints a thousand words yet a picture by itself says nothing until you have a part in it. It is the stories and experiences that are truly valuable.

My father simply loves to take photos, especially when we went overseas. I used to find it annoying and it is not until these past few years that I truly appreciate all these photos that were taken then. Now, my only regret is that I had not taken more. Looking back, it seemed that I had so few, particularly with my friends. I was just telling Ting a few days back that we had taken so few photos with our project mates and before long, we'll be leaving NUS. We might not realise it now, but perhaps 10 years later, it is these photos that will remind where memories fail us. I wished I had photos of my first year in BizAd; of my first presentation; of all my project groupmates. Funny how we could meet week after week and yet it had not occur to us to take any photos for remembrance. Did it just slipped our mind or are certain things just not worth remembering? Just like it was with the SFHC program com. We'd met every week for 2 months and yet there wasn't a single group photo together. Maybe we had been too busy with all the planning then. Maybe that's the irony of it all. All the effort and yet there seemed to be nothing to remember it by, except the memories. Ok, to be fair, guess it was partly my fault as well. Why did I forget to bring my camera on the day itself? Didn't even managed to take any with the secondary students who helped us on that day. I think the participants took more photos than us. But then again, we were all so busy on that day; where was the time for inconsequential things like taking pictures. Well, we did have one group photo in the end except that I do not know whose camera that was and I'm not even sure what happened to that eventually. Perhaps it was already deleted. Haha..oh well. Wonder why we even bother taking it in the first place. Maybe it doesn't really matter after all. A few years from now, this will only be a memory etched in our minds.

I sms her yesterday to inform her that I could not agree to what she's asking. And she did not reply me. Maybe I shouldn't be too surprised after all. I understand that she might be in a difficult position and it is not an easy task to find the people but...

I don't know. I mean, are we friends only when I agree to everything that you asked of me? Shouldn't true friends be the ones who can take 'no' for an answer? Then again, we weren't really friends are we? It seemed that it was just circumstances that brought us together. Friends are supposed to care for each other. Yet at times, it seemed that when I share, no one really seemed to care and I'm just sharing for the sake of sharing. So please do not blame me for putting up a defence everytime I'm around them. I've been hurt so many times I don't even know if I can really trust them anymore. We've known each other for over 10 years yet I don't think I can say I know them more than perhaps 5 years ago. It's kind of sad when I look back and realise that all my time invested there had perhaps come to nothing in the end. What makes it even more sad is the fact that we'll be spending eternity together. I know I'm rather idealistic at times but how wonderful it would be if we could truly share and care for each other, instead of such superficial relationships. Looks like time isn't an accurate indicator of the depth of our relationship after all.