After what had happened, I felt it is now time to write about this. The past 6 months had been difficult. I believed those close to me would know what happened, but what they did not know was the magnitude of which it had affected me.

It started when my grandfather had a hip fracture and had to undergo an operation. To cut a long story short, I prayed for healing so that he didn't have to go through the operation. God didn't heal his hip fracture, so he went for the operation in the end. To make matters worse, my mother and my auntie and uncle had disagreements over which hospital to admit him, and subsequently, the splitting of the hospital bills as well. Though I wasn't directly involved, I was upset with the way things had turned out.  It was so tiring to go to the hospital after work, only to hear them arguing over the same issues. And in the midst of it all, I stopped seeking God. Maybe I was angry and disappointed that God didn't heal my grandfather. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't just heal him miraculously so that my auntie and uncle and believe once and for all. I know He can do it if He wants to.

As the problems mounted, I went further away from God. I didn't do my quiet time and there are some times when I didn't pray for a few days at a stretch. Deep inside, I knew that my relationship with God had suffered and that I had to go back to Him, but I didn't know how. I became consumed with thoughts of self-doubts and unworthiness. I felt like a mess and that I had failed at everything. Nothing I did seemed right. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep because I was so depressed. Yet, through it all, NO ONE HAD A CLUE what I was going through. On the surface, I appeared alright. I still went to work and church as always. In fact, it was only once that I had sms a fellow sister in Christ in the middle of the night to ask her to pray for me. Looking back, I supposed I could have killed myself then and no one would know the reason.

But God is gracious, and through other happenings (which I shall write about at another time), He led me back to Him. In any case, the reason why I'm writing this now is because I realised that even though we belonged to the same body of Christ, there are times when we are clueless regarding the problems that our fellow brothers and sisters are going through. Sometimes, just a simple word of concern can mean so much. Of course, it would be unfair to expect others to know our problems and struggles when we don't share with them. Yet, there will always be tell-tale signs, and if we care enough to probe deeper, we can find out.

I pray that God will open my eyes to the hurts of my fellow brothers and sisters, and use me as a comforter in their times of needs. 

Stop Test-Driving

An interesting article for the male readers (and perhaps the females too if you wished to know more)

Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend

by Michael Lawrence

"How do I know if she's the one?" I can't think of a question I encounter more often among single Christian men. The point of the question is clear enough. But a rich irony dwells beneath the question. In a culture that allows us to choose the person we're going to marry, no one wants to make the wrong choice. Especially if, as Christians, we understand that the choice we make is a choice for life. The question is not merely ironic. If what you're after is a marriage that will glorify God and produce real joy for you and your bride, it's also the wrong question. That's because the unstated goal of the question is " How do I know if she's the one ... for me."

Read more here:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001306.cfm

God's Best

I'm currently reading this book, "Choosing God's Best". I wished I've read it earlier. Perhaps I could have avoided the pain and hurt experienced.

As quoted from the book:

"You don't have to do anything but concentrate on being the right person - the person God wants you to be - instead of finding the right person."

No more searching...

Why?

I can't place these feelings...God help me pls...

Second chances...

Someone once said that experience is the best teacher. Perhaps that's true after all, though that someone should also add that the lesson is not always pleasant. And sometimes it hurts too. I guessed some words, once spoken, cannot be taken back. So silly to still harp on this after so many years. Looking back, I know there were some things that I should not have done, questions that I should not have asked. Maybe there are certain questions which are best left unanswered. But that's too late now.

Will there ever be second chances...

Not enough?

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Indeed, Christmas is a joyous occasion, with all the merry-making, feasting and gifts giving. But I guess Ps Kai Ming's sermon last Sun was also appropriate in the light of all these festivities. The very first Christmas wasn't all that happy for the people involved i.e. Mary, Joseph and all the parents whose little boys were killed on Herod's orders.

The birth of Christ was a miracle since He was born of a virgin, but it wasn't easy for Mary and Joseph, and perhaps their families too. And he was born as a baby, just like any other baby. He didn't look extraordinary or anything. And it made me think. If the Son of God could be subjected to all these (born in a manger, doubts surrounding his birth, rejection by his own people, and finally the crucifixion), who am I to ask for more? God Himself came down as an ordinary man, born the same way as any one of us, and went through the same pain and suffering. How could I forget? How could I ever doubt His love for me? How could I question His plans for my life?

No matter where I look, true satisfaction can only be found in Him alone. Not in material possessions. We live in a world obsessed with external beauty, and I guess christians are no exception either. Many a times, I wished I was prettier, slimmer, more attractive etc. Does this mean I'm insecure? Perhaps, but I also know that many women feel this way too, even the pretty ones. Why do we feel this way? When will it ever be enough? Why do we rather believe in the lies of the devil rather than the word of God?

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

To all my female readers, whatever we are struck with doubts on our own beauty, remember that we are all beautiful because we are made in the image of God.

To the male readers, may God help you to look beyond the surface.

Previously, I didn't understand these verses by Paul....

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

1 Corinthians 7: 8-9

Hits the nail on the head doesn't it? No wonder there are fewer single men than women...

Aligners...

After 1 year, it's finally over :)

No title

Was I wrong Lord? Perhaps people are the same wherever we go after all...

Though I've never really talked about it, my mother's accident last year was a trying period for our family as well. Thank God she is recovering well now. Yet through it all, it revealed somethings that I rather not know. Apart from a couple of people whom I'm close to, the others from the group didn't really bother to ask how she was. At that time, I had just dismissed it because I'm sure they have their own problems and other things on their minds as well. Why should they be concerned about my problems? Then a few months ago, my mother and my cousin visited that place. Not one of them spoke to my mother and my cousin, nor did they ask how my mother was. I had dismissed it then too because, you know, people don't usually like to get out of their comfort zone.

But I'm thinking about these things now. Why?? Because those feelings are creeping back in...I'm tired. It shouldn't be this way. Perhaps I should just face up to the truth after all.

Unimportance. That's what it is. Even if I'm not there, no one notices. Because there will be no difference. Oh God, what will heaven look like? Will You notice my absence?

Yet I know, in the end, everything will be ok. Because I believe that God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, will make everything right again.

Even if I am unimportant in the eyes of the world, I know that I am important to God. And that's the only thing that matters. Maybe God is reminding me of all these now so as to tell me how futile it is to chase after humanly affections and love. If I were to live my life trying so hard to please others, I will never be able to please God. There are bigger things out there than these petty feelings. Still it's good to address these feelings instead of hiding them.

Jn 21: 18

Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go"

Where are You leading me God?

Don't major on the minor stuff

Just returned from church camp at JB, and still reeling in from the after-math of it all. Somehow I felt that this time it was different from previous church camps, in a good way. God has been good. To us and the churches involved. It reminded me of the very first youth camp I had attended about 10 years ago. The joy I had experienced then when I first accepted Christ in my life. And it made me realised that I've been focusing too much on the minor stuff for the past months (or year), so much so that it has affected my relationship with God and the people around me. 'Don't major on the minor stuff'. I guessed I knew this all along, yet I still needed a camp like this to jolt me back to my senses. There is nothing more harming than disunity and conflicts within the body of Christ itself. And unity takes effort from each member, and most importantly, a common purpose. How great it would be to see multitudes being saved!

Will end this post with a quote I saw some time back:

“Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers [meeting] together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be, were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship.”

― A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God