Wannabe

Remembered that I wrote some time ago about being a 'wannabe' and that it is not only about trying to be someone else; it is also being someone u're not. Do we all try to do this at some time or another? Trying to be someone we're not? I know I did.

What happened yesterday made me realised some things. That there are different types of people in this world after all. Have I been too naive in the past? Right from the start, it already seemed that they would win. Yet I still hoped that perhaps the underdogs would come out victorious in the end. Didn't that always happen in movies? But life isn't some Hollywood movie. And reality does hurt. Wonder why the company would have to do that kind of thing. To give people hope when they already knew who they would choose eventually.

Let's just call the winning group Grp A. The people in this group were really outspoken and i guessed they could present very well too. Though I've not heard them presenting before, it was the image they protrayed that basically says it all. And Grp B, the underdogs. They were really friendly, approachable and nice. So what if they can't present as well as Grp B? But I supposed that's what marketing is all about. Not just substance but also presentation.

Just face it, not everyone is able to be as smart or to be able to present as well. But is that cause for despondence? Are these the things that make up our identities? What is it that really matters? When we finally reached the top after striving so hard, would we come to realise that there isn't anything there after all?

Slowly, I'm beginning to realise that I should not try to be someone I'm not but just accept myself for who I am inside. Maybe it's only then would I be able to be the person that God had created me to be. I'm know that we are all made for a reason and we are all special to Him. Instead of trying to do things my way all the time, why am I not letting Him take control?

Sometimes I'd rather she not bother about me at all. 'Cos it seemed like everytime she did, it's because she needed something. Well, most of the time anyway. Is this all there is to our relationship? One that is based on exchange of favours and nothing more? At the end of it all, I wonder if we can be considered as friends, or merely acquaintances. Come to think of it, it's kind of sad isn't it? Where's the community? Where's the fellowship? Where's the love? Or am I isolating myself here? But I did try, so many times before. And it seemed to be the same every time. I guessed I've gotten pass the disillusionment part. The greater the hopes, the greater the disappointment right? I don't really expect anything much from them so please don't expect much from me either.

It's really strange that you can know a person for a short period of time and feel like you've known each other for so long, but you can know someone for half your life and still act like strangers in front of each other.

Got this story from a friend's email

This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa...One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator). We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts

One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fireand fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. "All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free fromdrafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten-year old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dollyfor the little girl so she'll know You really love her?" As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say,"Amen". I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything, the Bible says so. But thereare limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway,if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the verandah, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.

Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it reallybe? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?" That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call, I will answer" (Isaiah 65:24)

Actually, I wasn't feeling too good after getting back the results for the group project. Perhaps felt that we should have scored higher given the efforts that we've put in. But I guess maybe we weren't just ain't good enough. Then I realised what I've done. Once again, I had equated success with achievements. Yet is that really the case? Is one considered to be successful only when he have accomplished a lot in life? By who's standard are we measuring success? Why do I keep forgetting there are is more to life than simply grades? That my life here on earth is but a sojourn. No, this is not my home so what is the point in storing up worldly possessions? Isn't it better to store up treasures in heaven? Of course I know that yet at times I am still tempted by what this world has to offer. So tempted to pursue these desires; only to realise later the futility of it all. Some people do seemed to have it all but no matter how inadequate I may be, Jesus still loves me and he had died for all of us.

All the best....

That has got to be the worst project group that I've ever been in. Ok, maybe I've been rather fortunate after all as at least they had done something. Not much, but at least something. Well, I did have such group members before but at least at that time, it was only one or two who were like that and the rest were alright. Somehow, having not enough time is hardly an excuse. Isn't it about time management? The parts were allocated a long time ago. It's like they didn't care about the project. Thankfully, it's almost complete. And no, I won't get angry. What's the point anyway? It'll only be a waste of energy. Do you have any idea how much energy is used in showing our anger? Well, all I can say is that I really wished them all the best in what they do in future, if they continue to behave the same way. Appearances can only be kept up for so long. After that, your true personality will show. Maybe that's what most people are like. I just have to get used to it.

Then again, I guessed I've been rather blessed this semester as most of my other project groups have been great. Interviewing the aeromodellers, discussing and talking crap with the CB group. Going to MacRitchie Reservoir with the GE2218 group. Time spent rather to figure out what the tutor wanted for the OE group. Yes, these three groups were wonderful. I really should not let just one group get me down. Once again, getting the right group members is important. And I supposed it would hardly be a surprise that I won't work with the people from that group again.

Down memory lane

Don't know why it is that I kept meeting my ex-classmates nowadays. Come to think of it, it's kind of amazing to see how all our lives are interwined together; to see how some people have changed, and some don't. Maybe it is a matter of perception after all. Guess Singapore is rather small and it's no surprise that we'll meet each other in some way or another.

To go back where time stands still and only to realise that it was only a dream. 'Cos time waits for no man and so much have changed. Our feelings, attitudes, thinking, beliefs etc. We have all grown up, haven't we? From little boys and girls to men and women today. I wonder: what we are now, is it far from what we have imagined us to be when we were in primary school? I can still remember my primary school days, though not down to every detail. Honestly, I can't really recall what I wanted to be in the future then. But when I think back now, I supposed I did enjoyed my primary school days, especially my primary five and six class. Can't say the same for my secondary school days though. It's funny what time can do to your memory, 'cos the things that I remember now are in bits and pieces. Listening to the teacher teaching, eating in the canteen, going to the bookshop, singing in the music room, playing in the basketball court, P.E. lessons with Mrs Ow (haha..I saw her when I went back to Gongshang for the mooncake festival...she still looks the same but I don't think she could remember me...maybe some things really don't change after all).

I'm really glad for all those experiences because they, both the good and bad ones, made me what I am today. When you think back, things always seemed to be better in the past than it is today. Yes, I should learn to cherish what I have now instead of whining and complaining. I hoped that ten years from now, I can look back at my uni days with fond memories as well.

An update

Yes, I know I should be studying for my OE test tomorrow, but I'm just taking a break here k...

Yupz, it's already the 11th week; just a few more weeks to exams and the end of semester one. Actually this semester started off well enough, but these past few weeks have really been rather exhausting with so many deadlines coming up one after the other. I just can't wait for it to be finally over and for the holidays to come. The children's camp's in december!! This is the first time I'm helping out in a children's camp, wonder how it'll turn out...


She asked me what God has taught me this past 2 months and I didn't answer her. Well, I know I sounded a little cold then but it was just a bad day to begin with and I wasn't feeling so good. Of course God had taught me a lot of things these past 2 months, one of which is to come to terms with my inadequacies and realise that some things are just beyond my control. It's also funny how He has been speaking to me through lectures and tutorials besides the normal DG sessions.

My project mates had been great too, well most of them anyway. I just hoped we'll able to come up with something for the leadership project. Heez...25 pages, single-spaced and till now we don't even have a page out. Maybe I should just relax a little. Being feeling rather tensed up these past 2 weeks and it's getting tiring. On hindsight, it seemed that there were so many things that could have been done better yet it's too late to regret anything now. Oh well...cross my fingers and hoped for the best.

Okie my dear bro...I've finally updated my blog after 1 month...oh ya, happy belated birthday to u!!

Tree top walk

I went for the tree-top walk at MacRitchie Reservoir yesterday with my groupmates. It was actually for a project on a geography module that we're doing. It was also the first time that I've been to MacRitchie Reservoir. I've been living in Singapore for all my life and yet there are so many places that I've not been to. Also felt the same way when I went to Little India and Kampong Glam the other time.

Anyway, we walked for about 3 hours and all of us were just so tired after that. Towards the end, it started drizzling but thankfully we were quite sheltered under the canopy of the trees. There were so many stairs going up and down that it made me wished we could just drill a hole through the mountain so that we could walk straight ahead. Ok, I'm lazy, I must admit. But really, it has been a rather long time since I had walked so much. Didn't really see much animals and insects though, other than the monkeys near the entrance.

At the end of it all, we were just so glad that to complete the walk. "Going back to civilization," like what Ting had said. A bit exaggerated though...haha...But what matters is that we made it through. All five of us. And did I mention that this is an all-girls group? We are 'garang girls', as Xiaofen puts it so nicely.

Chances

Why do I keep meeting the people I don't really want to see but can't see the one person I really want to meet?

Perhaps there was a chance then. It's just too late now.

CB is getting depressing. No, not the class but rather, its contents. Are people really that materialistic? Do people really look so much on the surface? Is this all there is to marketing? Perhaps the truth does hurt after all. The harsh reality of this world; where external appearances are far more important than who you are inside. Actually, it's ok to want to look good as long as you know what it is that is more important. But it's hard to get this balance isn't it? In a world where everything is so fleeting, it's good to know that somethings will never change. That there'll always be Someone who will love me for who I am inside.

He has said, "I'll never leave you. I'll never abandon you."

Even the children knows this. At times I think: if I do not have Jesus, I have nothing. When things do not go well, it is this faith that gets me through. But what am I doing for Him?

Something the tutor said got me thinking: When we look at people, do we see them as male or female, pretty or ugly, fat or thin; or do we see them as human beings?

Some thoughts

This evening, I went with my LG to Clark Quay to celebrate one of the member's birthday. Actually, we had agreed beforehand to treat him to the reverse bungee jumping, much to his surprise/shock. Hehe, hoped he had enjoyed himself...

Anyway, on my bus ride home, I started thinking again. Heez...beginning to realise that I'm thinking quite a lot nowadays. I wished you were the one who was sitting beside me on the bus. I wished I was able to share with you all my happiness, fears and worries. And that you'll be able to do the same too. I wished I could tell you all these but whenever I see you, I'm at a loss for words. Yet I know all these wishes are futile. Why? Cos you don't even care. You don't even have my number. You don't even bother to reply to my emails. Would you be so nice to me if I wasn't helping you then? I know all these will come to pass one day. But now, I just wished I never knew you.

What are you seeking for?

What are you seeking for in life?
Maybe it isn't good to think so much at times

I realised that I've not written on the time Ting and I went for the guilly outing at pasir ris yet. Well, the kids there were really endearing and somehow they made me realised how much people tend to look on the surface most of the time. Maybe I'm not in any position to comment much since I did not really interact much with them, besides that outing. But that incident got me thinking: why do people usually find them so pitiful? Is it because they're slower, less smart and capable than most people around us? Actually, if you ask me, at times I find that more pitiful ones are the smart and capable people who spend their whole lives chasing after material things that do not last.

I mean, it's really sad if you're using material things to fulfill your needs. After all, how long can such things last? There are some things that money really can't buy: friendships, experiences, love etc. At the end of it all, it's the intangibles that are really valuable. I am really thankful for all the experiences that I've encountered during the past 2 years in NUS and also for the friendships forged. Though there were some painful memories and some that I do not understand the reason behind it, I still believed that there is a reason for everything. I'm glad for the opportunities to step out of my comfort zone and attempt things that I never thought I'll be capable of doing before. Even though not everything worked out in the end, there were still the lessons learnt from each and everyone of them. Lessons that I'll perhaps never forget.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose"

Jim Elliot