Moving on...

It's time to accept the fact and move on. I guessed I should have done it a long time ago but I wasn't able to let go. Pastor's sermon yesterday rang true. Why should I let anyone rob me of my joy? It just isn't worth it. Holding on to an imagined future of us together when there's nothing in reality is just foolish. 

I supposed I'll always love you, though you'll never know it. And truly, I wish you all the best and may God bless you always. May He grant you the desires of your heart, and may your life be full of joy. I pray that you'll find the woman of your dreams soon and when you do find her, may God give you the strength and courage to pursue her like you would a precious treasure because you know how valuable she is in God's eyes. May she be a woman of strength, character and integrity, and yet gentle in spirit and loving in nature. May you not let self-doubts get you down, but always remember your worth and identity as a child of God. May you seek to glorify God in all that you do, especially with the talents that you're gifted with. Above all, I pray that you'll grow closer to God each day.

No, you'll never know the prayers I'm praying for you but God hears them, and that's enough.

This will be my last post, as I close this chapter of my life. Goodbye...

Choice

A breath away's not far...

To where you are...

I still missed him and there are times I cry when I hear songs like these

When love doesn't seemed enough...

The above was the topic for last Sun's sermon. According to the speaker, true love isn't about looking good, chemistry or convenience. And he said that great (and true) love must be learnt, and that it has a good dose of unconditional love. 

Henry Ward Beecher once said, "I never knew how to worship, until I knew how to love". I've also come to realise that I never knew how to love, until I knew how to do so unconditionally. And I'm still learning now. Yet it's such a wonderful thing, because though it is difficult, loving the way it's meant to be gives us a glimpse into the Father's heart. And because of this, I will still love even when it might bring hurts and pains. 

What a fool I've been,

Searching for a kind of love that I thought I wanted

When it has been in front of me all along

You were the one who has always been there

You listen to my problems and frustrations

You hear my cries at night

You see me when I was most broken

And through it all,

You had never left

Instead...

You gave me so many second chances

You told me everything will be alright in the end

You showed me a hope despite everything that's happening

You let me know how special I am

And above it all,

You love me, like no other man ever can

I'm falling in love all over again...

With my Lord and Saviour

To-do List

I'm not a person to usually have a to-do list, but I just felt that I had to write this down as a reminder

1. Learn the Japanese language - enough to hold a decent conversation
2. Fix Papa's ukelele - need to find a suitable shop
3. Learn to play some simple songs on the ukelele
4. Complete my ACCA (finally)
5. Pass my driving test 
6. Go to Japan again
7. Learn to cook decent food :P
8. Visit Israel (this is optional)

Praying that God will give me the strength and perseverance to complete this list in the next 1 to 2 years!!

What is love?

When I was younger, I had thought that when a man loves a woman, he'll do the following things:

1. Give her flowers
2. Call her everyday just to hear her voice
3. Treat her like a princess etc.

But it was my late grandfather who taught me what it meant for a man to love a woman when, though he had dementia, asked about my grandmother everyday when she was hospitalised.

Til we meet again Papa...

The past few weeks have been rather hectic, but I'm glad I finally had the time to sit down and blog.

It's been 3 weeks since my grandfather passed away, and there were times when I still missed him even though I know he's in a happier place now.

This is the eulogy I read during his wake:

When I was young, I was raised by my grandparents. My grandfather would send my cousin and I to and fro school every day. As a child, the impression I had of Papa was as a strict authoritarian figure, who would disciplined us whenever we were naughty. He was the traditional Peranakan father and husband who would bring home the bacon while my grandmother, a housewife, would take care of the kids. Even though Papa had retired by the time I was born, his character didn't change. As a result, we were closer to my grandmother when we were growing up. 

During Papa's younger days, I heard he was also an avid musician and he played the ukelele with his band. And before he had a stroke some years back, he had a very good singing voice.

Above all, Papa was a proud man, who liked to be in control most of the time. I guessed that is typical of men of his generation. During the past year, his health had deteriorated, so much so that he needed help for most of his daily activities. During the night, he would wake up a few times calling and shouting for the maid. He had dementia as well, so there are times when he would scold the people who were caring for him. But then again, if you had been in control all of your life, how would you feel to have that control taken away from you? Instead of being the provider, he had to be provided for. Perhaps scolding and shouting was one way of regaining that control. 

During the past 6 months, I had the privilege of staying with my grandparents again. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Papa would ask me to read the Bible to him because he couldn't sleep. There were occasions when I had refused to do so because I was tired, but I was glad for the times when I did. In fact, it was during these months that I believed he had grown closer to God. And through caring for them, I've come to realise that it's only through loving others that we can truly love God.

When my grandfather passed away, I was in Japan. At that time, I'd asked God: of all times to take him away, You have to do it when I wasn't in Singapore? Couldn't You wait 1 more week? You see, from where I was in Japan, it was a 5-hour train ride to the airport. And during that time, God reassured me that it's alright that I wasn't there. And it was enough that I was given the opportunity to spend time with Papa before he passed on. Even though I'm not very young, this is actually the first time I'd experienced the death of someone close. Previously, I did not know how I would handle it. But as believers in Jesus Christ, we have the assurance that this is just a temporary separation, and that we will meet again in Heaven one day. Somehow, this gave me a peace that no words can describe. Though I'm sad because I missed my grandfather, I'm joyful that Papa is now in Heaven and that he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

How I wish...

I can get away from all these...

All the conflicts, the disagreements, the unhappiness...


These walls built up over the years are too thick
Nothing, or no one, will penetrate them
Neither will they bother
If only there's just one who will try
That might have made all the difference

A list

The speaker at last Wed's conference reminded me of how people have a list of characteristics/qualities that they want their future (or even current) spouses to have. Many years ago, I had mine too. But now, thinking back, I supposed that while I had made my list then, I had neglected to consider the list of characteristics/qualities that I myself should have.

So I imagine, what characteristics/ qualities would a godly man want his wife to have? To the best of my knowledge, I would think it would be these:

1. Purity.  

No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Or don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

2. A gentle spirit.  

You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. (1 Peter 3:4)

3. Compassion for the lost

4. Patience

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act (Psalm 37:7)

Love is patient, love is kind (1 Cor 13:4)

5. Exudes joy

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22)

6. Submissive heart/ humility

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (Eph 5:22-23)

Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

7. Takes care of appearance but will not cause other men to stumble in their faith

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

After what had happened, I felt it is now time to write about this. The past 6 months had been difficult. I believed those close to me would know what happened, but what they did not know was the magnitude of which it had affected me.

It started when my grandfather had a hip fracture and had to undergo an operation. To cut a long story short, I prayed for healing so that he didn't have to go through the operation. God didn't heal his hip fracture, so he went for the operation in the end. To make matters worse, my mother and my auntie and uncle had disagreements over which hospital to admit him, and subsequently, the splitting of the hospital bills as well. Though I wasn't directly involved, I was upset with the way things had turned out.  It was so tiring to go to the hospital after work, only to hear them arguing over the same issues. And in the midst of it all, I stopped seeking God. Maybe I was angry and disappointed that God didn't heal my grandfather. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't just heal him miraculously so that my auntie and uncle and believe once and for all. I know He can do it if He wants to.

As the problems mounted, I went further away from God. I didn't do my quiet time and there are some times when I didn't pray for a few days at a stretch. Deep inside, I knew that my relationship with God had suffered and that I had to go back to Him, but I didn't know how. I became consumed with thoughts of self-doubts and unworthiness. I felt like a mess and that I had failed at everything. Nothing I did seemed right. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep because I was so depressed. Yet, through it all, NO ONE HAD A CLUE what I was going through. On the surface, I appeared alright. I still went to work and church as always. In fact, it was only once that I had sms a fellow sister in Christ in the middle of the night to ask her to pray for me. Looking back, I supposed I could have killed myself then and no one would know the reason.

But God is gracious, and through other happenings (which I shall write about at another time), He led me back to Him. In any case, the reason why I'm writing this now is because I realised that even though we belonged to the same body of Christ, there are times when we are clueless regarding the problems that our fellow brothers and sisters are going through. Sometimes, just a simple word of concern can mean so much. Of course, it would be unfair to expect others to know our problems and struggles when we don't share with them. Yet, there will always be tell-tale signs, and if we care enough to probe deeper, we can find out.

I pray that God will open my eyes to the hurts of my fellow brothers and sisters, and use me as a comforter in their times of needs. 

Stop Test-Driving

An interesting article for the male readers (and perhaps the females too if you wished to know more)

Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend

by Michael Lawrence

"How do I know if she's the one?" I can't think of a question I encounter more often among single Christian men. The point of the question is clear enough. But a rich irony dwells beneath the question. In a culture that allows us to choose the person we're going to marry, no one wants to make the wrong choice. Especially if, as Christians, we understand that the choice we make is a choice for life. The question is not merely ironic. If what you're after is a marriage that will glorify God and produce real joy for you and your bride, it's also the wrong question. That's because the unstated goal of the question is " How do I know if she's the one ... for me."

Read more here:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001306.cfm

God's Best

I'm currently reading this book, "Choosing God's Best". I wished I've read it earlier. Perhaps I could have avoided the pain and hurt experienced.

As quoted from the book:

"You don't have to do anything but concentrate on being the right person - the person God wants you to be - instead of finding the right person."

No more searching...

Why?

I can't place these feelings...God help me pls...

Second chances...

Someone once said that experience is the best teacher. Perhaps that's true after all, though that someone should also add that the lesson is not always pleasant. And sometimes it hurts too. I guessed some words, once spoken, cannot be taken back. So silly to still harp on this after so many years. Looking back, I know there were some things that I should not have done, questions that I should not have asked. Maybe there are certain questions which are best left unanswered. But that's too late now.

Will there ever be second chances...