Well, I was wrong. I didn't know blogging could cause misunderstandings. I thought it was just a way to express my feelings. Maybe I should think twice before posting anything. Maybe I was just too insensitive. Am I confusing you? Heez, I'm actually referring to my post last thursday (which I've deleted).

I guess I had wrote that entry when I was feeling particularly down and it seemed, at that time, that I wasn't sure if I had made the right choice at the beginning. Yes, there are times when I'd let such thoughts creep into my mind. The feelings of inadequacy. And in comparison with the other groups, I had felt that I had accomplished nothing. This feeling had little to do with the others in the group. If anything, they've been really supportive and encouraging. I shouldn't be comparing with the other groups and take the one that I have for granted. I believed that it was not by chance that we were put together. That what we've gained should not be measured by worldly standards. Now, thinking back, it seemed like there are lessons to be learnt from all these. Above it all, I felt that God has been really gracious through this period of time. He let me fall, but He was always there to help me up. He showed me that all is not lost even when it seemed like there isn't anything left to do anymore. He slowly made me realised that there are certain things I can control and some I just can't. And of course, He let me get to know 2 wonderful girls. Special in their own different ways. I know this sounds cliched, but if I could turn back time, I would still wished for us to be in the same group again.

Yes, you're right. Perhaps I do not need your approval. But what I cherish is our friendship. If I've given you any reason to think otherwise, I'm sorry for that.

"Spotting"

"A dancer stops him or herself from getting dizzy by "spotting": focussing on one point for as long as possible before turning the head round in the spin to catch up with the body and focus on the same spot. The head is therefore being kept as still as possible for as long a time as possible while the body is continually moving."

Maybe that's how life is about as well. We're all constantly moving, trying to keep up with the competition. Yet in the midst of it all, there should always be a focus or we'll end up getting dizzy, or rather, disillusioned by everything that happened.

Guess that was what happened to me. I took my eyes off Him and I started to fall. In the process, I might have dragged others down along with me as well. It took me a while to realise that I'd lost my focus and that's why I've stumbled, choosing instead to believe the lies of the devil. Yet all that should really matter is His approval.

Only Jesus can heal a broken spirit.

Made for another world

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

"The stickers only stick if you let them"

"The stickers only stick if you let them"

from the Wemmicks by Max Lucado


similarly, words and actions can only hurt you if you let them.

You can't hurt me anymore

Wemmicks

Saw this really cool story on my friend's blog. Go take a look if you're free. Makes you think about the whole expectations and perceptions thingy.

http://selkiesound.bravepages.com/Wemmicks.htm

"Greatly mistaken"??

Yes, I know I sounded irritated. That's because I'm really irritated. It's only a small matter for goodness sake. Why does he have to blow it up? What do you not understand from my email? Do you not understand English? You don't understand even when I spoke to you over the phone. Are you even listening? I don't think I can communicate to him, be it written or spoken. "Greatly mistaken!!" About what?? I think you're the one who is greatly mistaken. I'm not hoping for a perfect environment or anything but this is really too much. Is it so hard to even clarify over email? If you don't understand then ask lah, stop assuming things for yourself. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother about this. Maybe this is a sign. It's really sad that this should happen, just when I kept hoping that there will be something to make me stay on. Just when I was comtemplating leaving and I can't because of the responsibility. This just makes things so much easier doesn't it?

Hold on to patience

For those who think that the previous entry had something to do with the one before that, well, you thought wrong. Those two entries are not related to each other. Yet somehow, they seemed to lead to the same kind of feelings. Yesterday during harvest week, we met this girl who seemed to be looking for some sort of signs. Then she asked us how we can be sure if something's a sign and not just what we want it to be. So many questions.

Anyway back to the topic on signs. Sometimes, you just can't help but wonder how random events could actually have some kind of meaning after all. And what happened today proved it. I know it was no coincidence. Just one change and everything would have been so different. Reminds me of the 'butterfly effect' that Cher mentioned on Wed. How one little action could lead to bigger things happening.

I will not shed a tear for someone who's not worth it in the first place.

On to another issue, I find myself counting down the days and hoping so much that things would improve. That they'll do something to give me a reason to stay on. Some kind of signs maybe?

Reminded me of this song:

E V E R Y T H I N G I N I T S T I M E
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo & Carole Bayer Sager
Copyright 2001 Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP) / All About Me
Music adm. by Warner Tamerlane Publishing Corp. (BMI)

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time


Yupz...everything in its time...Everything's in His hands anyway...

It's over. Finally.

expectations vs reality

It's really strange how it is that expectations can affect how you perform, or how you respond. After all, why should we be so affected by others' perceptions of us? I guess it could work both ways. I could still remember my secondary four Chinese teacher who kept persuading me to drop Higher Chinese because she didn't expect me to do well, probably because I got a B3 for my O'level Chinese. Anyway, that actually caused me to want to take Higher Chinese, partly to prove her wrong. Well, in the end, I got a B3, which wasn't that fantastic but at least it's enough to exempt me from taking Chinese at A'levels. I'm still not sure if I've made the right decision to persist despite what she had said but in this case, her low expectations of me had motivated me to want to work harder.

Unfortunately, that was not always the case for me. At times, such expectations just made me want to give up. I guess those people in question would perhaps never read this, but I'll still write it out anyway. Hah. Maybe they won't care even if they do read this. That basically sums everything up, doesn't it? Their attitudes, expectations, whatsoever. Just got the feeling that whatever I do or say won't make any difference. That to them I am just this quiet girl. I wonder why it had to turn out this way. I wonder why I am still persisting. Am I still hoping that perhaps their perceptions of me will change? It shouldn't be like this. Is this what heaven will be like? I really wished so much that we'll be able to share with each other our feelings without all these pre-conceptions of each other. Isn't that the purpose of this group in the first place?

But...they never really did believe in me. Patronizing at best; even condescending at other times. At first I thought that the problem lies with me. Then I realised that it takes two hands to clap. I don't even want to try to understand them anymore because there aren't any more excuses to make for them. Sometimes I wonder, are we even friends? How much do we understand each other despite knowing each other for so many years?

It wasn't like that with him or her or the others, who were mostly not even Christians. As I've mentioned before, if I only believed because of people, I would have stop believing a long time ago.

It shouldn't be like this. But it is. Expectations versus reality.
It's already March; almost half-way through the 6 months deadline.
Losing hope but still praying for a miracle.