Retreat at Aloha

It's being a while since I've blogged, hasn't it?


The retreat was held at Aloha Changi from 21st to 23rd May. It was based on the Network syllabus and concentrated mainly on spiritual gifts.

The fact that Maurice was down with food poisoning on the first day left the retreat committee feeling a little harried but we managed somehow. Things finally got started around 5 pm. As we sang the song "Still", when the oceans rise and thunder roar, it was raining. How appropriate I thought. I digressed. More on the speaker sessions. The Network speaker sessions were mainly on finding our spiritual gifts and how to use them for ministry. Honestly, this was not the first time I had learnt about spiritual gifts so personally; it was more of an affirmation.

We did an exercise to discover our passion. Mine was children! Well, nothing new actually but it was good to do the exercise and share in our groups nonetheless. Then something Poh Kiang said struck a chord in me. He mentioned something about being a wannabe. Someone said that it is trying to be someone else. Another said that it is to be someone you are not. To be someone you are not. How many times have we fallen into that category? It's like the duck which tries to run and the squirrel which tries to fly. In the process, a wannabe will end up losing his or her own identity. I guess the bottom-line is that we should never try to be someone we are not. Oh ya, Maurice came over that night though he still wasn't feeling very well. Somehow his presence cheered all of us up, especially Ralph and Ryan.

During Vesper that night, Cheryl brought up a quote by someone (I can't remember): "We serve not to be accepted; we're accepted and that's why we serve..."or something along that line. That night, this quote resonates in my mind. How many times have we equated service to acceptance? Yet Christ had died for us all, didn't he? As it happened, this was linked to the speaker sessions the next day.


Obedience versus obligation.

Do we do the things that we did out of obedience or obligation? Are we motivated by what others see or what God sees? Sometimes while serving, be it in church or elsewhere, do we stopped and think about these questions? Then there are times when we do things because a need arises, not because it is within our spiritual gifts or passion. So will that be obedience or obligation? I would like to say that it is love. Because love succeeds where obligations cannot. And it is this love that I would like to see among the youths.

If this had been in school and she had been my projectmate, I guessed I would have gotten pissed off a long time ago. But now, it has showed that I wasn't that far from the truth all along. Come on, if you're not sure about whether you can do it, at least have the courtesy to say so lah. Especially since I've asked, two times before! Oh wait, she did say. At the last minute! But no, I am not angry. Not when I'd thought that things had finally taken a turn for the better. After all, I should have expected this right? Ok, maybe I am a little pissed off with the way things are going. Despite all that I say, I guess I'm still a hopeless optimist at heart. I had wished that I would be proven wrong but sadly, that isn't the case. Ya, I know I'm ranting here but this is my blog k. "In your anger do not sin". That's why I'm here blogging instead of sending an acrimonious reply to her. Oh well, as long as I know why I am doing all these.


Someone said that my blog entries are usually of me feeling sad and disillusioned. Hope this one differs.

A reason for everything

Somehow this reminds me of 2 years ago.
Or is it 3. I can't really remember anymore.
I guessed the cracks were already appearing then. (Or have they been there all along; only that we've not noticed them then?)
Arrows. Shooting everywhere. I hated it.
So I did what I did best. Running away from it all.
It did leave me feeling disillusioned at that time.
And I thought that it would be the same everywhere.
Then I met her and him and the others
And it made me realized that how wrong I have been
Love, passion and commitment.
Things that were once absent resonates there
I never even thought they had existed
No arrows to hurt you
I realize how much I've been missing

It was meant to be a house of love but I find little of it there
And it was only until I've moved away do I realized it
Forcing myself into a place that perhaps I didn't really belonged to in the first place
I am happy now. With the children.
But it makes me sad that he has to go through all that I've gone through before
I can only pray that he'll come to realize that the people are not the main reason for going to church.
Neither should they stop us from going
I still believe that all things happened for a reason


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

Jeremiah 29:11

Patience

Patience, is not one of my greatest virtue.
Some people think, "Fiona is so patient..blah...blah blah.."
Really. They couldn't be further from the truth.

Perhaps it's the impression I gave them. Or maybe it's just something that people say when they don't know you well. Whatever.

Still, I'm learning everyday.
To wait.
To be patient.
In His time.

Love, lack of

While knowledge may make us feel important, it is love that really builds up the church.

1 Cor 8:1


If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1 Cor 13:1-7 (The Message)


Love, or rather, the lack of it.
And we wonder what the problem is.

Learning to die in order to live

"We need to learn to die in order to live" Tuesdays with Morrie

How do I die to these desires and live for God alone? 'Cos only He alone is worth living for. Well, I always told myself that if I went there solely because of the people, I guess I would have stopped going a long time ago. I hate to remind myself every time that things have not changed and perhaps it never will. If something were to happen, it would have a long time ago when I was still a part of it. No, I am not going to be as affected as I was years ago. I didn't know it then, but now I know better. Don't get me wrong. I still have hopes in people, just not in them. But what really is the problem?


History.
Experience.
Friendships that spanned a few generations.
These are not bad.
Yet this familiarity is the one thing that binds and separates. What happened to those outside the circle? Where will they go? It's not about past experiences shared only by a privileged few. It's the present and the future that truly matters. They say they do not judge. But I could see it in their eyes. No matter how much I've changed, they still regard me as the girl I once was. If there is one thing that is difficult to change: it's people's perceptions.

Don't put all the blame on the present leadership; it's the people before them who set the foundation and I was part of it as well. I made a mistake then. Agreeing to take it on before I was prepared for it. No, it wasn't because they believed in my ability. It's because there was no one else. But I guess I was at fault too. I could always say 'no', and I didn't. Yet all these are past now and regretting past actions is not going to do anyone any good. Some things just aren't as important as they were back then. Perhaps there was a chance at that time; it does not exist now.

they cannot hurt me the way they did
for a scar has formed where the wound once was

Undone

Undone
by Mercy Me
album: Undone (2004)

No apologies
For who I’m meant to be
The only thing that matters is
I am free
When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When I feel my world
Start to fall apart

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

Even in defeat
The face of tragedy
Still you'd have to say that
I found victory
In brokenness comes beauty
Divine fragility
Reminding me of nail scarred hands
Reaching out for me

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

Hallelujah I'm undone!

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

To the cross I run
To be what I've become
And I'm undone

Of masks and masquerade

I guess we all put on masks, don't we? Hiding from the world what we do not want others to see. But why should we do that? Won't it be simpler if everyone just show what they really are inside? Or am I just too naive here? There are many reasons why people hide behind this facade. And if we were to admit it, it all boils down to fear doesn't it? The fear that others will not like us if they were to know who we are inside. Or perhaps we think they will not care anyway. Maybe it's because we are just so afraid of getting hurt. After all, the less people know about us, the less able they will be to hurt us. Yet by doing so, we also ended up isolating ourselves. Sometimes, we're not even sure of what we really want or why we did the things we do. Sometimes, we hide so much that we forgot who we really are inside. Sometimes, this whole world seemed like a masquerade.

Just to follow up on what I've written in my previous entry. I guess if we were to really admit it, we'll realize that at one time or another, we all make use of each other. So what's the big deal? Well, it's a big deal when we're on the losing end. Or is it? Who determines who win or lose anyway? Maybe we just do not like to be seen as if we're being taken advantage of. After all, as the saying goes, nice guys always finish last. Thing is, would we have behaved in the same way too if we were in that position? Would I behave like her too if I were in her position? Perhaps. So it seemed that I am guilty as charged too. By feeling so affected by what happened, you might think that I would do things differently. I'm sorry that I'm only human. Too many times I have been so critical of others and only to realize later that I fall into that category as well. Perhaps I have been too quick to judge. It's easy to disregard or simply ignore the feelings of others. Likewise, that's how others can behave towards you too, be it intentionally or unintentionally.


Just in case you believe that great social problems are beyond your scope, consider this story: God said to me: Your task is to build a better world. I answered: How can I do that? The world is such a large, vast place, so complicated now, and I am so small and useless. There's nothing I can do. But God in his great wisdom said: Just build a better you.

-Anonymous