Do we sometimes say things that we don't mean and regret it later? I know I do and most of the time, it was too late to take it back.

Sometimes I think of what it'll be like if it had went the other way. But I had chosen this ending so who am I to blame but myself?

Just let it go Fiona.

Stop acting like a spoilt little girl.

No one cares anymore.

Hurting inside but I know it will pass.

Just like the song by Corrinne May goes:

I'm not the easiest person to love...

'On The Side of Me'
By Corrinne May

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outsideand there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared

But you...
Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

Beautiful for a moment

Happy Birthday Jessica!!

Ok I know it is a little belated but hoped you had enjoyed your birthday yesterday ~ hee ~

Anyway, the above is a photo of a cactus flower. I had gotten it from Kia actually and had shamelessly posted it here. Oops..hope there're no copyright issues. She told me that the flower only lasted for 1 night. This was similar to what Angie told me the other time too. Hers only last for only 1 night too. Nevertheless, it's beautiful, isn't it? And perhaps, in a way, the fact that that it was short-lived makes it all the more beautiful and precious. I didn't knew something so small could bloom such pretty flowers. Never judge a plant by its size I guess.

Oh oh...and I saw this poem in a book that I was reading and felt like sharing it with my readers out there.

A Woman's Question
By Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing,
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart and a woman's life,
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing,
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul,
Until I have questioned thee.

You require that your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirts be whole;
I require that your heart be as true as God's stars,
And as pure as His heaven, your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon just as He did on the first,
And say, "It is very good."

I am fair and young but the rose may fade,
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me amid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell,
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life,
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook,
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

Musings

Two days ago, I had lunch with Kia at NYDC. It had been quite a while since we went out together. Actually I gave her a treat to thank her for lending me her guitar for the Christmas party. Also gave her the super-belated Christmas present, at long last. I had intended to give her something else but as I had left it in the office, I gave her another gift instead. Well, perhaps the first gift wasn't meant to be?

Anyway, we also saw this cute little baby at the restaurant and he kept bouncing up and down while seated. So cute! Then I was telling Kia about how babies have big heads not in proportion to their bodies. And she went on to say that I like big-headed things. Haha.

Work these days is still rather hectic, but there has been an improvement from the beginning of the year. It's the learning curve I guess. I remembered that when I first started work 1 and a half years ago, I was so tired after work that I seldom switch on my laptop when I got home. After all, I had faced the computer the whole day at work. But nowadays, I have been spending more time on the computer, outside of work. Maybe I am getting used to the grind of work, so to speak.

Now, I like the internet and especially chatting online, since it is so easy and it allows me to do other things while remaining connected with the person I was chatting with. Even my company allows, and encourages, us to use instant messaging in the office as another form of communication. I felt that there's nothing wrong with that, provided that it is used for the purpose that it is intended for in the first place, to communicate quickly and without fuss to the other party. After all, it's not much different from using a telephone right? But is that really so? Can we really get to know a person through such means? As I was mentioning to a friend earlier (through msn of all things), it is much easier to say something online than to say it face-to-face. Yes, words are important, be it written or spoken, but communication is more than simply words. How well can we get to know a person through emails, msn etc? No matter what, it will usually only be one-dimensional. And when it finally goes beyond the internet, we might come to realise that that same person is different from what we had expected him or her to be.

It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Yet, more often than not, the online environment prevents us from seeing that. Then again, perhaps the problem isn't with online chats or emails per se, but rather, it lies with the fact that most of us are wearing 'masks'. Trying to be who we're not. And what better way to do so than through the internet.

It is only when these masks are taken off that we can truly be who we are inside. I am like that too. Only those who are close to me saw me as who I really am. Those who love me will accept me for who I am, though not condoning my wrongs at the same time. While those who can't accept it could only see the mask, but not the girl behind it. And when the mask came off, they were unable to recognize me anymore. Guess that's the difference between true and superficial love.

I thank God that He loves me for who I am.

Why am I so easily frustrated these days?

I put the above as my nick on msn yesterday and some of my friends started asking about it. Didn't really know how to answer them. Guess it was largely due to the stress from work. Then this verse came to mind.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31


Have I been trying too hard? Trying to do it on my own instead of depending on God as my source of strength? Trying to control things that were evidently beyond my control? I guess this is not only true for my work life, but for my personal life as well.

I should just take Kia's advice and let nature take its course instead of thinking too much.

Wanted to upload some photos taken today but am too lazy now. Maybe tomorrow then.

Iron coated with velvet

Just came back from a beatbox contest at expo. It was quite alright I guess. Rather interesting to watch the contestants 'pitting' their skills against each other. Then there were the special guests, Darren Tan, Milo Peng (Kia: Hehe) and 5566. As expected, 5566 drew the loudest applause and cheers from the crowd (if it was considered a crowd in the first place). People were going forward to take videos and photographs of the group performing, and some stood on their chairs. Well, Renee and I just sit back and relax. Haha. Anyway, we were not the only ones. My other colleague and his girlfriend also just sat where they were. Actually, the tickets were complimentary from my company.

Enough about that. I had intended to blog about the above topic today. What does 'iron coated with velvet' mean? Actually, this was what my pastor's wife spoke about during the youth leadership training camp about 5 or 6 years ago. I remembered that that was a sesssion specially for young women, and though I had attended a few women's conferences before, this particular one had left an impression. She had said that women should be like iron coated with velvet. Soft and gentle on the outside, just like velvet, which is nice to touch. But strong on the inside, just like an iron rod. No matter how others try to bend us, we'll not break.